I’m one of those people who has to change up my workout from time to time, or else I’ll get so completely bored I’ll stop working out altogether. And then my jeans won’t button. Which brings about a whole different set of issues. Plus depression. Which I treat with a strict cheeseburger/fries/Pinot Grigio regimen. That only works temporarily until I try and put on pants.
What I’m trying to say is it’s probably for the best that I change up my workout.
There was the step class phase. The kickboxing phase. The P90X phase. The spin class phase. And then…pilates.
Everything was going so well. I joined this quaint little studio and found a class at just the exact right time of day for me. There were about 13 of us in the class. Me, the instructor, and 12 women in their 70s. It was bliss. I was such a badass. I made those ladies look like…old ladies. The instructor instructed us to do The Roll Up. I rolled up. The One Leg Circle? I made it my bitch.
Teacher told us to lie flat on our backs and place the ball between our feet and slowly move the ball up and over our heads. We did this three or four times.
I farted. But not from the place you would assume one who had farted would fart from. It was that other place.
Apparently moving your legs over your head like that again and again is like an air pump, filling a balloon. At some point the balloon (or in this case YOUR VAGINA) lets out the air. And then you want to die.
When it happened (TO ME) time seemed to freeze. I felt 23 eyes turn towards me (Poor Mrs. Bachman lost her right eye in a freak accident…She’s the only person I’ve ever met who wore an eye patch…which made her the coolest old lady ever) and I started to sweat. I know I turned bright red and I wanted to scream, “YES, I farted! But not from the place you think!” But then I thought…wait…maybe that is worse. Because is it? Is it better to…you know…fart from the front or the back? And how can we be sure?
Anyway, if I could have made myself vaporize I would have. But since there’s no app on my smart phone for that, I just closed my legs.
After class I didn’t stick around for the usual chit chat. I hurried out of there as fast as my farting vagina would carry me. And later, I did what any other normal person would do. I cancelled my membership to the gym. And I haven’t been back.
So basically what I’m trying to say is I’m looking for a new workout.