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Another Tricky Thing About Parenting

Good news everyone! In 3rd grade we are back down to four oceans.

No. I am not high. Yes, I said we were back down to four oceans.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that Billy doesn’t count, but hear me out. In most people’s minds there have always been four oceans: the Pacific, the Atlantic, the Indian and the Arctic. That is what I was taught in school, but last year when my kids did their unit on second grade geography there were five oceans: the Pacific, the Atlantic, the Indian, the Arctic and the Southern.

I KNOW! THE SOUTHERN OCEAN IS TOTALLY MADE UP. But look! I found this on the internet.

Five Oceans? Shenanigans.

This is not the only time that this has happened to me. You know how there used to be nine planets? Not any more. Now there are only eight. Pluto’s status was revoked. I don’t know if it was behind on dues or if it got busted smoking cigarettes behind the gym or hell – maybe it ran off with the Southern Ocean. I don’t know, but your old mnemonic devices are worthless now.

Also, it makes us look stupid in front of eight year olds.

I understand some of the changes. I know that Yugoslavia is now Serbia, Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Macedonia, Slovenia, Montenegro, Kosovo and Vojvodina. I know that now there is only one Germany and I am glad for that, both for political reunifications sake and now I don’t have to pretend to know which one’s capitol is Bonn and which one is Berlin.

There was water on Mars. We’ve mapped the human genome. Maggie Simpson shot Mr. Burns. There are so many things we know now that we didn’t know when I graduated.

I am not complaining. I like scientific advancement. I adore my iPhone and I don’t think I could go on if I had to give up live streaming Netflix. I just wish that they would send out flyers at the beginning of each year – Dear Parents, Fishes is now an accepted plural of fish, Pluto is no longer a planet and we have totally changed the way we teach long division. Good luck with that last one. Love, The Teachers.

Just a little heads up would help.

I’m not kidding that 5th ocean thing really threw me. I was fighting with a seven year old yelling things like I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE! THERE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FOUR OCEANS! and was proven wrong by a sheet of homework that involved coloring each ocean a different color. It sucked.

I knew getting them to go to bed on time and finish their homework would be a challenge. I knew that I would have trouble teaching them algebra and calculus because I suck at math. I knew it could be challenging to get them to eat vegetables and spicy foods. I figure the girl and I will argue about what constitutes brushed hair and what doesn’t right up until the day she discovers boys. I did not anticipate needing to brush up on basic geography skills.

Mostly, I am just glad we are back down to four oceans.

* * *

Read more from me on Sarah and the Goon Squad and Draft Day Suit
Follow me on Twitter for updates.

More of me on That’s Right. You Heard Me:


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