That Ever-Elusive One-on-One Time
Elsa's wish list for her solo trip to her grandparents' house
It seriously is one of the biggest “I wish we could do more of it but how?”s of parenting, whether you’ve got twins or kids of different ages: How do you carve out time to spend with each kid separately, so you can focus fully on them, instead of dividing your attention between them and their sibling(s)? And so they, in turn, get you all to themselves for a bit?
I feel like it’s especially important for twins, who are together so much of the time. At least, in our family it’s been the case. As hard as we try to recognize Elsa and Clio’s very different personalities and foster their individuality, the fact is, they’ve basically been joined at the hip (figuratively speaking, mind you) since they were in utero.
Honestly, the extent of our typical one-on-one time is, basically, I’ll take one with me to the grocery store on Saturday afternoon while Alastair stays home and plays with the other one. Within two hours, we’re all back together again. Woo hoo. Let’s hear it for quality alone time.
But recently my (AWESOME!) parents have taken the girls — one at a time — for a couple of days up at their place in Maine. So the girls have each gotten some special grandma & grandpa time, as well as some special mom & dad time. And it’s been unequivocally great, for the girls (I think) for my parents (I know) and for us (I TOTALLY know!)
It’s kind of amazing how much easier it is to be with just one kid instead of two. In my memoir I liken it to one of those hide-a-key rocks that looks just like a real rock, but when you pick it up you realize it’s hollow plastic and it’s disorientingly light.
In fact, disorienting is a good description of the whole experience. There were times when it actually felt a little awkward — both for us and, I think, the child left behind with us. None of us quite knows how to be as a three- rather than foursome.
Case in point: When Clio was away, we took Elsa out to dinner — at a halfway decent place, which you can DO with just one kid — and kept trying to strike up conversation with her. (So, how was school today? What’s it like to not have Clio around? What are your thoughts on fracking?) But we couldn’t get a thing out of her except, “Can I play games on your phone?”
On the other hand, the next day we took her on a walk at a nature preserve together and had a blast talking about plants and frogs and trees and things. Most priceless moment: we were at a little lily pond full of frogs, talking about camouflage, and I asked Elsa what animal she thought might be predators of frogs. “Leprechauns?” she replied.
Indeed, it’s been lovely spending time with each of them alone. They’re almost like different kids. Or, more accurately, even cooler and more interesting versions of the kids they are when their sister is around. It’s also amazing how so many of the challenges each of them presents when it’s the two of them together seem to vanish when it’s just one.
Which isn’t to say there weren’t some rough patches in this whole arrangement. Re-entry was a little tricky for both of them: moodiness and worse-than-usual sibling conflict. Plus, some jealousy issues: Clio had a brief meltdown when she saw the cheap-ass toy that Elsa had gotten in a Happy Meal when she went to McDonald’s with my parents (they’ve been to McD’s maybe 3 times in their whole life, so this was pretty exceptional). And when Elsa found out that Clio got to go to an amusement park with my parents, she had a slightly longer meltdown.
But, hey, teachable moment: Life isn’t always fair and we can’t always do/have exactly the same things for both of you. You’re two separate people, and you’re going to have a lot of different experiences as you get older. And that’s OK. Even good.
If my parents are willing to do this little “exchange” once a year per kid, that would be marvelous. In the meantime, though, I know we need to figure out other ways to get that one-on-one (or one-on-two) time.
Others out there with two or more kids, how do you make it happen? (If at all?)
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My book: DOUBLE TIME, my memoir of parenting twins, battling depression and chasing that ever-elusive work/home balance.
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I’ve always described time one on one with my twins as being with the same boy, but with the volume and personality turned down a few notches!
It’s so hard. The interesting thing in our house with three kids is that somehow I find moments alone with just the oldest (we’ll cook together or walk to Target just the two of us), and also with the youngest (who is the only one in school for just a half day), but the middle child…. It’s nearly impossible to find time alone with her. She’s the one who has always had a sibling by her side from the beginning in a way the others have not.
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But the really interesting thing is how she doesn’t know what to do with herself when I get her alone. I once asked if anyone wanted to come with me on an errand across town and she volunteered because she didn’t like the idea of my being alone (it made her sad), and while we were out I offered to take her for a paddle boat ride. I had to really talk her into it because she fretted so much that it would hurt her siblings’ feelings to be left out of something that fun. In the end she was glad she went, but I found it both intriguing and touching that she was making decisions with her brother and sister in mind even when she didn’t have to.
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Anyway, I find the best way to get alone time is to do it through certain chores. Like divvy up which nights each child can help you cook. I’ve been teaching my kids how to do lots of new things in the kitchen lately, and I explain we can’t have too many cooks so it has to be one at a time for certain kinds of cooking. Or I’ll get one child to help in the garden, or help me organize something or clean up a certain room…. It doesn’t have the same sting to the children who are ‘left out’ because it’s not something obviously cool, but the time together is really nice.
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http://the-quiet-corner.blogspot.com/
My kids are 10 and 7, and we’ve recently entered a new and unexpected phase of family life that’s giving us some rare time to hang out with just one kid: the slumber-party phase.
Suddenly, slumber parties have become almost a regular part of my kids’ lives–especially the ten-year-old’s. While there’s a certain parental wistfulness that comes with my son’s glee in leaving his parents to spend more time with his friends, it’s entirely age appropriate and it gives us occasional large blocks of time to spend alone with our daughter. And now that it’s starting to be her turn to join her friends at sleepovers, she couldn’t be happier to be doing what the “big kids” do, and we get a night every now and then just with our son. Which is pretty cool (but shh; don’t tell him I said that).
http://UnchartedParent.com
My oldest is turning 8 and my younger twins are turning 4 next month. Sometimes I get alone time with the oldest – running errands usually or the rare “mommy and me” time where we go to a movie or the mall (once or twice a year maybe) . With the little ones, I don’t get any scheduled alone time. Our alone time happens if one sleeps a little longer in the morning or if one is playing something in the other room and I get maybe 10 minutes of alone time. It sucks. My husband and I are trying to figure it out but it just doesn’t seem to work. I would love if my MIL could watch 2 kids and we’d get time alone with the third. Maybe something to try out in the future.
We make a serious effort to have one-on-one time with our kids. They love being in charge of what we do when they have our full attention.
As they get older, it does get easier. My best time with my kids now is through their activities. They tend to want to do separate activities to differentiate themselves. I will do some activities with them, and my husband will do some. Meaning, I will take one son to Boy Scout meetings and get involved by working on merit badges with him, and selling popcorn etc. The other son was busy with flag football where my hubby was his coach and they spend time practicing together. Then at another time of year, we switch and I will spend time the other child on his activity. I really enjoy that time together and we are making great memories this way.
One on one time with my 2 1/2 year old twin girls is high on my wish list, but it very rarely happens. Every once in awhile on the weekends (I leave for work before the girls get up during the week), A will get up before her sister and she and I will get about 30 minutes of mommy and me time and I am always amazed at how completely different she is. Or not different I guess, but just her best qualities completely shine through and are so present. She is my whiny child and none of that is there when it’s just the two of us. It definitely makes me wish I more moments like this, but it has also made me more conscious of trying to discourage the whiny-ness. It’s definitely the most challenging thing I’ve found with parenting twins.
I schedule dates with each of my girls. It may just be running to the grocery store, but it’s time alone with just her. I have to make it a priority and be intentional about it, but it is soooooo worth it! Especially when you can start it before they hit their teen years, it lays down a framework to keep connected.