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Ban These Books

I’m a big reader.  I read all different kinds of books (that’s sort of a lie because I mainly read memoirs and novels). Reading books with  my children has always been hugely important to me and a big part of our family traditions. RIF!

Proof of My Parenting Prowess

I was even one of those annoying moms who thought it was a good idea to read Lyle Lyle Crocodile to my kids while they were still in my belly. I know I know they can’t hear it “per se” but they could sense the greatness of that sweet green guy! But, not all books aimed at kids, even some very popular books, are up to my Lyle Lyle standards. Some of them suck. And when it comes to reading books with my children I don’t have time for anything that’s less then great. Here are a few that made my ban. When you’re done hearing me rag on the bad ones, you can go here for a list of my favorites!

  • Love You Forever 1 of 5
    Love You Forever
    I told a friend of mine once that Guess How Much I Love You made me tear up so she erroneously thought I'd love this one. Basically an extremely codependent mom sneaks into her son's room after he's asleep and rocks him whether he likes it or not by singing him a song about how "she'll love him forever and ever and ever." The boy suffers from her invasions of privacy until he finally leaves home and moves across town. But his intrepid mom breaks the restraining order, drives across town late at night, throws a ladder against the house and climbs in his window to get her rocking on. It's supposedly a tale of motherly love. I'd say it's a tale of attachment parenting gone very very wrong.
  • The Story of Babar 2 of 5
    The Story of Babar
    I know it's a classic but I find the book disturbing on a more than one level. We begin with Babar witnessing his mom being shot dead. Then the little guy scampers off to the big city when out of nowhere, an old lady "who's always been fond of little elephants" intuits that Babar wants some new threads and simply hands over her purse. Um, if this woman isn't one of the original cougars I don't know who is. Babar the opportunist moves in with her. She cooks him dinner every night while he spends his days taking baths, working out and driving her car around the countryside. Seriously? Old lady newsflash you are getting played! Tell Babar to get a j-o-b! Eventually Babar can't stand the old lady being so nice to him all the time so he decides to split town and so, of course, the old lady gives him her car! The rest of the book is all about Babar's wedding to his cousin. I find hearing about other people's weddings about as interesting as hearing about other people's bunions so I try to skip through the rest and I suggest you skip the whole thing.
  • Goodnight Moon 3 of 5
    Goodnight Moon
    This book doesn't have a disturbing message. My main problem with it is that it's criminally boring. I know it's a classic. But why? To me it's the Emperor's New Clothes - we're supposed to like it but no kids actually do. What's interesting about it? Just an old lady whispering hush. Why is she whispering hush? She's all alone! Is she an off duty librarian? Are the socks and mittens trying to study? No? Then why do we have to hush? Go brush your fucking hair and go to bed and let us do the same with a more interesting book
  • Madeline 4 of 5
    Madeline
    So here's the deal: Twelve girls live in a group home (or maybe boarding school but in this one there are no mentions of parents) and are often sad and dejected. Also there's a nun and nuns are always the picture of humanity am I right? The main plot of the story seems to be that Madeline is in an extreme amount of pain which turns out to be her appendix and she has to have major surgery. YAY! Goodnight kids! She spends ten days alone in the hospital with only one visit from the other children. But apparently being alone in a hospital is better than being at the school because all the other kids are jealous and want to have surgery too! This thing is more depressing than a Sally Struthers infomercial.
  • Harold and the Purple Crayon 5 of 5
    Harold and the Purple Crayon
    — I've really tried to like this book. I've read it dozens of times praying for Harold to just find his damn window again. The main hook is that Harold goes on an adventure by drawing things with his purple crayon and almost immediately trying to get back home because he's a little pussy. But are any kids looking at the primitive little drawing and getting that excited? "What? Hey, he drew the ocean and got on a boat! Whoa! I need a sequel!" There's a reason there's no Harold and the Purple Crayon the movie. So stop pretending you love this book and let's all agree to move on to Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.

 

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