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Beauty is Pain (the things we women do in the name of glamour)

A couple days ago I posted the following status on Facebook.

Lunging around the house to loosen up my jeans.

In a matter of minutes, I had 195 likes and many comments saying, “Been there, done that.” All by women. One man said, “Or, you could just do what guys do… we buy pants that actually fit us.” Clearly, he doesn’t understand how this works. We can’t just buy a bigger pair. That’s like giving up. We’re not quitters! We will do what it takes to fit into that pair of jeans or die trying. And that’s not all. Here are some of the things we do on a regular basis to look bee-you-tee-ful.

Yes, I know (before anyone comments) a woman’s self-worth shouldn’t be tied to her physical appearance. We need to teach our daughters to love themselves no matter how they look. A woman doesn’t need makeup to look beautiful. Blah blah blah. But here in my world, this is how things happen and this is what I do most days . . .

  • Tight Jeans 1 of 8

    Our weight tends to fluctuate throughout the month. Some days, when we're a bit bloated (or when we're eaten our weight in chocolate), we have a hard time squeezing into our jeans. Those are the days, we women do a dance that is familiar to all of us. It starts by squirming back and forth as we attempt to snake the pants up our legs and over our butts. Then we lie back on our beds and suck in our stomachs until our belly buttons actually touch our spines. We quickly zip and snap before exhaling (at which point we pray the button doesn't go flying off and impale any poor passersby. Finally, we lunge across and room and do a few squats to loosen up the fabric just enough so that our circulation isn't cut off causing permanent nerve damage.

  • High Heels 2 of 8
    image: friends.wikia

    Being only 5'3", I love high heels. I can't walk in them and generally end up kissing the pavement when I attempt it, but I still love them. Most of us have a shoe fetish and adore those heels, but most of us would also admit that high heels HURT! They cause blisters. They cause foot pain. By the end of the night, we nonchalantly slip them off under the table just to give our feet a little respite from the blinding pain. Unfortunately, the swelling that accompanies the pain usually makes it near impossible to get those back on our feet when it's time to go. If only we all had a Chandler to carry us home.

    image: wiki commons

  • Makeup 3 of 8

    This morning, my 9-year-old son said, "I'm glad I'm not a girl." I asked him why to which he responded, "Because I would hate to have to put all that goop on my face every day. It takes you an HOUR!" he said dramatically. It's a ritual that most of us learn - cleanse, tone, moisturize, foundation, blush, powder, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, lipliner, lipstick, lipgloss . . . It's time consuming, but I would rather wake up a half hour earlier to apply it, than to be seen in public without it. In fact, I carry a whole arsenal in my purse just in case I need to reapply when I'm out.

  • Waxing 4 of 8

    In an effort to banish all but the hair on our heads, we wax, tweeze, thread, and shave. Men could never handle this. One strip of wax and they'd be done. Guys would be walking around like Joey Tribbiani with only one eyebrow done.

  • Eyelash Curlers 5 of 8

    It's not enough that we load black goop on our eyelashes; we first have to curl them with a medieval-looking contraption. Now, it's human nature to move away when something comes near our eyes. It's a self-preservation instinct. Yet, we fight that instinct day in and day out while bringing this hunk of cold, hard metal mere millimeters from our eyeballs.

  • Bras 6 of 8

    Underwire: it's a blessing and a curse. Nothing holds the girls in place better than a good-fitting bra with underwire. Of course, that same metal band is used to keep cattle in their enclosure. It's true. They use barbed wire in bras and I have the bloody gashes to prove it.

  • Hair 7 of 8

    I once told a male friend that I had to straighten my hair so I could curl it. He looked at me like as if I was speaking another language. While doing backflips. And wearing a tutu. And juggling skunks. But my female friends all understand when I say, "After I wash and condition my hair, I use a ton of smoothing lotion, then blow my hair straight, then smooth it out with a flat iron, then curl it, then work a little oil into it, and finally shellac it with half a can of hairspray. It's second nature. We do it without thinking. It's like breathing. But it results in gorgeous hair. And, of course, when someone compliments us and says, "Wow, your hair looks great" the required response is, "Thanks, I didn't really have time to do anything to it. I just woke up and went."

  • The End Result 8 of 8

    And after all our primping, we leave the house looking like this. At least, in my mind I look like this. And really, that's all that matters. If I feel like I look good, then it's a good day. I mean, who doesn't have a great time when they're having a good hair day, right?

Want to read more from Dawn? Get her books Because I Said So (and other tales from a less-than-perfect parent) and You’ll Lose the Baby Weight (and other lies about pregnancy and childbirth) here!

Join Dawn on Facebook where her readers frequently post pictures of half-naked firemen on her wall. She loves her readers!

If you liked this, here are some more favorites from Dawn.

I don’t feel bad when I throw up on my dentist

Bikram Yoga is the DEVIL

I am one hot mama! (no, really I am)

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