When You’re Mom and Dad
Lexi came home with a flyer advertising the first annual father-daughter dance at her school last week. She showed me the paper and asked, “Should I just throw it away?”
My throat closed up. What do I say?
Of course, her dad isn’t going to take her to the dance. Stuff like this breaks my heart. I can juggle and juggle and work myself into the ground trying to care for everyone, but this just brings it home that I can’t do everything no matter how hard I try. I will always fall short. And the super-hero in me hates that.
I told Lexi I would bring her to the dance if she liked. A second later, Austin stepped up and offered to take her. Lexi glanced between us and hesitantly pointed to me.
“You want me to take you? I’d be happy to go with you. I will probably be the only mom there. I don’t care. I don’t think it’s a big deal, but if you think that might make you feel uncomfortable and weird, you don’t have to go at all. We could stay home and do something fun here.”
Austin said, “You might be the only mom there, but I’d be the youngest ‘father’ for sure!”
Lexi admitted that she’d feel weird going with either one of us. I encouraged her to think about it, but if she really didn’t want to go, it was no big deal. I told her we could stay home, watch movies, paint our nails, and she could eat chocolate while I eat a heaping pile of failure stew.
But how do you teach your kids how to fix stuff when you don’t even know how to hold a screwdriver? How do you teach your sons to open the door for a lady? How do you play catch with them when you throw like a girl? How do you discuss cars when the only thing you know about cars is what color they are. And more importantly, how do you teach your son to grow up with good moral character? How do you teach him to be a man of his word? Yeah, yeah, I do the best I can with what I have, but I still feel like they’re missing out by not having a positive male role model in their lives. I worry about that. But still, I think no male role model is better than a poor one.
And on the subject of poor role models, although I think I may be ready to date, I am in no way, shape, or form ready to even consider introducing someone to my kids. The first time around, I married the first guy who came along even though he was completely wrong for me. I will not make that mistake again. I will only consider men of strong faith who are addiction-free, depression-free, can fix stuff, don’t chew with their mouths open, have hulking big muscly arms, have a decent moral compass, and who walk on water so that one day, in the far-away future, they’ll make good, positive role models for my kids.
In the meantime, I’ll keep trying to be both mom and dad. I’ll keep teaching my sons and daughters what I believe is right and wrong. I’ll keep dropping balls. I’ll keep picking them back up and juggling again. I’ll keep trying to surround my kids, especially my boys, with positive male role models. I’ll keep letting my sons make fun of me for not knowing the difference between a Challenger and a Camaro. And I’ll keep trying to understand what’s so funny about farts. Actually, on the second thought, scratch that last one. I’m done trying to understand the inner workings of the male brain.
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my Facebook, so join me, maybe?
Here are more favorites from Dawn:
Boys and Girls are Almost Exactly the Same
By being mom and dad, you are teaching your daughters to be strong and independent women and you are teaching your sons to marry strong and independent women! You are doing something right! I don’t know many teenage boys that would offer to go to a dance with their sister! He may want to grow up to be a hobo, but I think he is going to be an AMAZING hobo ;-)
First of all, there are other kids with no father out there-either by death or absence. Why on earth would a school have a father/daughter dance in this day and age? Maybe you and Lexi could lobby for a parent/daughter event instead…making all kids able to go. And you’ve done a GREAT job raising your son. He volunteered to take her and maybe it would be nice if he did!! Not everyone has a “father”. But she has caring adults in her life who will stand up for her. Kudos to you and your whole family!
You didn’t drop any balls this time, Dawn. The school did. Stand proud!
It sounds like Austin is a pretty fantastic brother. It also sounds like you’re
doing sething very right!
I agree with Jamie. The fact that Austin does as much as he does, that he considers offering to go with his sister, means you’re doing a great job. I, in general, am not very ‘churchy’. Faith driven, yes. Church going, less so. All that said, church may be a great place to find good male role models. You’re doing an amazing job doing it all, and it’s better than what was offered by The Ex. *hugs*
When I was a teenager, I remember my mom lamenting that she had to be both parents to my sister and me… although the situation was a little different, as my dad had died. But still, basically the same thing! And it sounds to me like you are doing everything as right as any one woman possibly could. So keep on keepin’ on, Mama.
I think you should take the second last paragraph of this post and use that on your online dating profile!
Yep, it surely does suck, being mom and dad, but you are so on the right track. Most of mine are grown up now, and they had their challenges, but all turned out to be pretty darn nice people in spite of (or because of?) not so much dad involvement. It is a looong road alone, but its pretty darn rewarding, too. Hope you have the best mom-kid night EVER, whether you dance or stay home!
Dawn – you’re doing a GREAT job!! Boo-Hiss to the school!!! WHAT are they thinking?! That said, I took my daughter to her college ‘ring dance’ and escorted her and presented her right in line with the other fathers! Uncles and family friends took the girls to father-daughter outings as they were growing up. Grampa walked one down the aisle and I the other at their weddings. Uncles and Grampa, scouts and church, sports and coaches taught my son boy things and were good male role models. And a mom as tough as any man he ever knew. It wasn’t easy but all 3 of my kids are educated, productive, contributing members of society – that’s what matters in the end!
Just keep on keepen’ on!
You are an amazing and wonderful mom dad! You’ve got it right! Teaching your daughter to be a strong willed and independent woman, and you’ve got yourself and amazing/caring son who offered to take his little sister to a dance that she would normally feel excluded from. I came from a family with a mom-dad, and I know it wasn’t always easy for my mom but I look back and see how wonderful she did raising us 4 kids. Teaching us how to change hoses on a car or helping to fix a tire. She even shared her love of crafting with us, and always encouraged us to do what made us happy. You’re blog has reminded me how wonderful mom-dads are and I truly wish I could call her and tell her. Blessings to you.
It sounds like your daughter has an amazing positive male role model in her brother! And besides that, I’m guessing when she looks back on this whole situation years from now what she’ll remember is not that her dad wasn’t around to take her to the dance, but that both her mom and brother were there offering to take her in his place. Which is not to say it doesn’t suck when that father figure is missing, but I bet when she reflects on it all (perhaps years from now) she’ll be so grateful for a mom and brother like you guys.
Dawn,
I agree with the previous posters; the school is being insensitive in using the term “Father/Daughter Dance.” They had one at my high school my senior year, and my father had passed away the year prior. My big brother took me, and we had a BLAST!!! No one batted an eye (although he is 11 years older than me).
You are doing an incredible job raising your family–while you can’t be all things to them, you can give them the most important things–love, acceptance, respect. They will see how strong you are and take strength from your example. Keep your head up, Mama.
My…..biological dad as I call him, is an awful role model. He’s horrible to my mum whenever he actually makes it home, he makes it clear that he doesn’t want me around, and he….he’s just a bad guy. Whenever I had father/daughter dances, I never even asked him, because I knew what the answer would be, “Are you serious? No, of course not.” so my older sister would take me. I’m 17 now, and I still feel that empty place where my dad should be. I don’t have a dad, I have an unpleasant housemate that’s rarely there. I see him for about 10 minutes a week if that, and he’s rude, and mean-spirited the whole time. Why did he have me if he didn’t want me?
My dad was/is a terrible person. My mom raised 5 kids ages 12 to 2 by herself and all three of my brothers are awesome men and fathers. All three can fix anything, treat their wives with love, grace and respect and are just overall amazing role models to their children. It wasn’t easy, but like Austin, my brothers stepped up and just did what needed to be done. We still talk about how my brother at 11 re-screened the screen door by himself! Your boys will be great men and your daughters will look for men that are like them! Hang in there momma, your doing a great job!!
You don’t have to be a man to teach boys to be kind, caring men. Austin’s offer proves that! You can learn how to fix things through google and you tube and show both boys and girls how it’s done. You ARE a positive role model to all of your kids. And I hope Lexi takes Austin up on his incredibly sweet offer.
Austin has just made me cry into my breakfast. My son and I were on our own for a long time before I introduced him to my partner. We are very close and a real “unit” and I am very grateful for that. I don’t have to share him with his dad very often at all, although he still displays many of my ex’s mannerisms. I am teaching him to think about other people, be nice to his girlfriends, how to cook and most importantly I will teach him how to paint toe nails. His future wife will thank me I’m sure.
You are clearly already accomplishing what you set out as the most important task for your sons: having a good moral character. Austin deserves the world’s biggest hug ever. And you just go ahead and pat yourself on the back, Dawn! How many brothers would be man enough to make such an offer to their sisters? Bravo, Austin. Brava, Dawn. I’m not saying it’s easy, but you clearly are doing an outstanding job!
Austin is gonna make a great husband and dad one day…..
When my husband was deployed it used to break my heart when some child on the playground used to say something to my kids about their own dad, and mine would say, “I have a dad too! I really do!” I empathize. But I don’t think any of us are doing everything we feel we should as parents, and we have to cut ourselves some slack. You’re doing great.
Dawn, You are living my life to just about the very last word of this blog. Amen sister.
Speaking as someone who was brought up by a single parent, you are doing an AWESOME job. I know you are doing everything you can and you have to be doing something right for her brother to step up and offer to take her not a lot of brothers would not do that.
How fabulous that Austin offered to take her. I agree it is stupid of a school to have a specific father/daughter dance and I am sure Lexi isn’t the only child in her class who doesn’t have a father living at home. My own father died when I was four and I remember the anguish at school when having to write an essay about my parents!
But your children have each other and I am sure they will all grow up having learnt the basics of life.
You are doing the best you can, and sometimes it may feel like it’s not enough, but you are doing more than enough. You are awesome.
I know this is about more than just not having a dad to go to a dance, but I’m going to give some suggestions about that. First, your option of having a fun night at home is a great one. If she does want to go to the dance having a brother or mom go is also a great idea. One thing that my family has done is “borrow” a dad. Whether that is a good male friend of the family or the dad of one of our close friends, it is just another option for bringing a “dad” but it has worked well for us
I have no advice….. only a strong understanding. Sending a hug and prayer and a new super hero cape…. they were BOGO at the mommy needs more store ;-)
My father was a no-show, too, and I will tell you what I wish I’d been able to tell my mom. STOP FEELING GUILTY! Even when they don’t act like it, your kids know that you are doing the best you can. It is not YOUR failure that you can’t be both mother and father to your kids. That failure belongs to your ex-husband alone. Yes, it’s disappointing to not be able to go to the father-daughter dance. But she will remember that you took the time to paint her nails and let her eat chocolate. And how do you teach your sons (and daughters) the things that only a father can teach? You allow them to have relationships with men who care about them–church friends, their friends’ dads, neighbors, uncles. And, to a certain extent, they will learn what NOT to do by watching their father. I was fortunate that my mom had six brothers who filled in some of the gaps. But I was okay without a dad because I had a spectacular, devoted mom–and your kids will be, too.
You’re obviously doing a great job parenting if Austin volunteered to go with Lexi.
And you taught Lexi to sit down and make a decision that really has long-reaching consequences for her – does she want to miss the dance? Would she rather miss it (and those memories) or bring her mom or brother to the dance with her? To say nothing of having to deal with yet another not-so-great thing about her dad…
I think you’re doing a terrific job at this mom/dad thing…
I understand what you’re going through, to a point. I say “to a point” because I have one child; you have six. My ex-husband hasn’t been in my daughter’s life for over two years; she’ll be five in two days. She doesn’t remember him. I consider that to be a blessing and a curse. Austin sounds like a great kid, and I know all of your kids are great kids. I also understand your requirements for a POSITIVE male role-model to be around your kids; I’m quite the stickler myself. You’re blessed though in that you have a whole social system under your roof; y’all help eachother out (although I’m certain some times it feels like one or the other might be plotting against you, hahaha) but what matters is that in the thick of things, you’ve got eachother to help out eachother. You know what I mean? I wish my daughter had at least one sibling. I wish that she had a “dad”. But if wishes were pigs, bacon would be on sale… Good luck to us both, and anyone else who’s in this type of situation. It’s hell sometimes.
Dawn, I only had one child, a boy, and became a single parent when he was just 6 years old. He is now 30, and he turned out fine. He has had the same job for over 13 years, moved out on his own 18 months ago, and has a girlfriend that he treats very well. He is polite and treats people the way he should – the way he would like to be treated. I am very proud of him, and he still knows what makes Momma laugh! As all the other comments have said, keep up the good work, you are doing it right. I know it’s got to be hard as heck with 6, but years down the road, you will look back on these times and think “man am I glad I had those years”. Trust me.
The fact that Austin openly offered to escort his little sister to an event that they both would, as expected, feel somewhat awkward, speaks VOLUMES! You are doing something very RIGHT as a single mother.
The easiest way to know if you’re doing a great job is that you still worry if you’re doing the right things sometimes. The minute you stop worrying; that you’re unconcerned on all your decisions then that’s when you know you’ve got a problem. Keep up the good work!
You know you’re already doing a good job at teaching your sons to be excellent young men when one volunteers to take his little sister to a father-daughter dance. Austin has shown that he has a pretty good sense of humour and a good moral compass.
He’s getting on in high school, but still cares about his family. That proves that all that hard work you’ve done since he was born has been worth it. ((hugs))
You must be doing pretty darn good the way Austin stepped up and put himself in an uncomfortable position to spare his sister from the pain of missing the dance. Kudos, Dawn.
Dawn, I think you and my daughter Stacie are heroes. Both with 6 kids, although Stacie lucked out by having 3 of them older so they are great helpers for her. I remember when I was in highschool and my father instructing our dates that they were ALWAYS to stand up when his wife and his daughters came in the room. He told them that good manners would get them far in life. No reason you can’t do the same. Father/daughter dances are very special if there is a caring father but very hurtful to the many girls without them, or even father’s that are overseas. The school needs to rethink that. I imagine that nearly half the little girls are without a father to take them. Find something really special to do with Lexi.
You’re doing a great job, Dawn! Honestly, I don’t have a clue HOW you do it!! I can hardly manage my 2 kids and husband and our busy schedules. I’m exhausted most days so I can only imagine how tired you are at the end of a day. Hang in there!!
Dawn…you inspire me so much and I am so glad that you share with us! I love that Austin offered to take her and I love that she wanted you, her mom, to take her. You have a very special family!! Hang in there!!
Dawn,
We’ve never met but I feel your hurt coming through your blog.
I DID marry a strong man of faith and he’s teaching our three sons how to be gentle with our five girls, to hold the door and the right end of a wrench. Maybe there’s not many men Ike him but I believe if you need to wait, you need to wait. You have a wonderful sense of humor and pretty great kids. (It was AWESOME for Austin to offer to take her to the dance!)
Thank you for sharing your heart with your readers.
Love,
Pam~
You are showing your kids good moral character by picking yourself up and soldiering on whenever you make a mistake – it’s an invaluable lesson. And you are right, it’s better to be alone and happy than together and miserable. Wait until that right man comes along who knows how to treat you properly – that will model proper behavior for kids of both genders. Sounds like you’re doing a great job!
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My husband worked nights when my daughter was invited to a father/daughter dance the Girl Scouts had. I took her & I wasn’t the only mom there. I would call the school & just ask if moms can take their daughter or if you should let her older brother take her. I bet that either would be acceptable & there is nothing to be ashamed of!! You never know unless you ask. Lexi probably wants to go or she’d just thrown the flyer out.
Kudos to Austin for offering, that shows you are doing a great job with the kids!
Let us all know what she decides.
Awwww….how sweet of Austin! And how sweet of you. I think that you are wonderful and doing an amazing job. You are teaching all your kids that when life knocks you down, you get back up again! They have a very strong role model… it doesn’t matter that it’s not a male. There are so many kiddos that have no one to show love, strength, and resilience to them…. Your six pack is very blessed! And from the sounds of it, vice versa!
I also find it odd in this day and age that there is a daughter/father dance. I would join the school council and be part of the choices they make. This clearly is leaving a lot of students out.
I am married, good relationship, but honestly my husband doesn’t teach our kids the things you are worried about. Your worries – how to hold a screw driver. You are on your own you must a some point look after yourself, so why wouldn’t you and your son learn together! I am the one who teaches my son manners, to hold the door open for me(for my daughter to thank him when he does), the importance of being a gentleman. To treat his sister how he would like other boys to treat her(and visa versa!). To be a man of his word. I teach both son and daughter to be accountable for there actions. I guess what I am saying is that these aren’t sole male traits. These are things that you want for both of your children. Friends and family are great influences. Just keep being a good thoughtful Mom who is learning along with her kids!
You put into words what I feel every single day. Thanks for being here.
You’re kids sound great and great kids means your doing a great job I am also both mom and dad though I guess dad still lives with me he sleeps on my couch and pays no bills nor helps with our daughter and in general just makes life more stressful but it is what it is I try to be nice and not bad mouth my daughter’s father to her she is not quite 2 so not that she’d understand but I am trying to be the adult break ups are tough but I digress keep doing what your doing and good luck on the dating scene when you get back to it
I was raised by a single mom and I am raising my daughter as a single mom. Some part of “you” wants a dad person in your life and that’s ok. Its got nothing to do with mom not meeting your needs, so much as seeing all the other kids with dad type people in their lives, the general media also enforces this feeling too. Kids grow up and hopefully they learn from the mistakes of their parents, whether they were around or not.
You seem to be doing an excellent job. You did bring up a great point of concern for me as well. My partner and I just had a baby girl 7 weeks ago and I am already concerned that she will have the same trouble about Daddy Date Night. Of course, this is because of a choice on our part that her ‘donor’ is not available for such things. I like to think that she will be okay with Mommy Fun Day or something instead, as you attempted to do.
I’m a single mom of a 6y/o son, and we live in a very ‘Stepford’-like community outside of Baltimore where I’m the only mom at soccer and baseball practice that isn’t excorted by her husband, my son has frequent homework assignments involving “draw a picture of your PARENTS (emphasis mine), or a picture of your DRIVEWAY (we live in an apartment), and his PTA regularly hosts a “Dads With Doughnuts” breakfast before school. Needless to say, our family doesn’t fit this mold, and it often becomes an issue. I’ve brought it up to the teacher, but she has gently made it clear that the way she presents ‘family life’ isn’t going to change… again, not surprising considering the community I live in. Luckily for me, I’ve always been something of a tomboy, so I can teach my son to cook and fold clothes and paint toenails, but I can ALSO teach him to slide into home base or fix the vaccuum cleaner or explin the general rules of football. So I think my son is getting a pretty well-rounded breadth of experiences, being raised by me. And if the day comes where I settle down & get serious enough with a man to want him to be around my son, then perhaps I’ll relinquish some of the more “masculine” examples that I provide, but that remains to be seen. In any case, thank you for presenting an article on something that is frequently on my mind as a parent.
What you don’t realize is that you are teaching your boys the most importat lesson, being a good person and helping those in need, and being there for their families. Look who offered to take Lexi to the dance. How many other teenage boys do you know that would offer to take their younger sister to a father daughter dance. It is sad that their father is not around but look at the great children you are raising. That you have a lot to be proud of.
Just remember, Dawn, some of those balls you are juggling are rubber and some are glass. Make sure that when you drop one (everyone does, and it’s ok) it’s not the delicate glass ones, but instead the rubber ones that bounce. I think you’re doing a great job.
[...] struggles and guilt of single motherhood (Babble) Rot13.write("Lbh pna ernpu guvf cbfg'f nhgube, Xbn Orpx, ba gjvggre be ivn r-znvy ng [...]
First of all, Dawn, you are an amazing mom. You should be proud of all you do, and your kids sound like wonderful young people.
But on an entirely different note, why on earth does Babble have your story with a picture of an African American mom and child? It seems a bit like typecasting to me. Is it because they feel that picture fits the stereotype of a single mom and daughter better than a caucasian family? Seems a bit odd to me.
You are clearly an excellent mother because your son offered to take his sister to the dance. That said, if you want your sons to learn to open doors for ladies, you shouldn´t offer to take the place of a man and escort your daughter. Fatherlessness is so sad, the best hope going forward for your daughter is to learn to esteem herself as a lady and a feminine female and select a worthy chivalrous husband. That is not compatible with whatever lesson she would learn from you acting as father at the dance. Your nailpolish night sounded way better! Keep your spirits up!
[...] activities had she not been able to go. And last year I wrote a post about how my other daughter didn’t attend the dance. I got comments on both posts from people who were shocked and disappointed that a school would [...]