When I moved into my house a year and a half ago, I got a new refrigerator. It was wonderful. It was big and roomy, it had all sorts of buttons and gadgets, it smelled fresh and clean and it didn’t have any mysterious orange substance with flakes of onion peels stuck in it coating the bottom of the crisper drawer. One year after it was installed, it broke. A couple days after the warranty expired, as Murphy’s Law would have it. That’s the life expectancy of a modern appliance – one year. After that, you will spill thousands patching it back together as one after another, the parts fail. Appliances are not the only items with warranties either. I’ve come to the conclusion that humans have warranties as well and they expire at exactly 40 years of age.
I’m writing this as a public service announcement. I feel it’s my duty to impart my expansive wisdom and share my knowledge on this enigmatic subject with you. No one warned me ahead of time and I stumbled blindly into my 40s, accepting, nay, celebrating this significant milestone only to hit a brick wall and be knocked on my butt. I don’t want anyone else staggering into middle-agedom unarmed, so here, without further ado, is the information necessary to maintaining your sanity when you reach that certain landmark that includes a birthday cake with enough candles to heat a 10,000 square foot warehouse.
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