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Butt Out of Jessica Simpson’s Belly

Google “Jessica Simpson” baby weight and it brings up over ten million matches. Ten million. That’s a whole lotta people interested in something that’s none of their business. The headlines include, “Jessica Simpson Baby Weight Controversy,” “Jessica Simpson Panned Over Pregnancy Weight Gain” and even “Jessica Simpson Will Never Get Her Pre-Baby Body Back.” I get panning her performance in “Employee of the Month,” but where do people get off panning her pregnancy?

Back when I got pregnant with my first child I was starving all the time. Couple the natural hormonal urges to stuff my face with an all-or-nothing attitude about food and you had the makings for one ginormous pregnant woman. Despite furious morning, noon and night sickness I put on an impressive ten pounds in the first trimester. According to AmericanPregnancy.org I should have put on between 1 and 4.5 pounds during that time. Ha ha! I ate an order of hash browns that weighed more than that in one sitting! By the time I gave birth to my healthy 7 lb 2 oz daughter I’d managed to gain a whopping 59 lbs.

And I’m not alone in this. Most women I know exceed the 25 to 35 pound “recommended” weight gain yet still have perfect little babies. So why is everyone really in an uproar over Jessica’s weight?

There seems to be some fake concern for her fetus. I’m sure she really appreciates the worry but I’ll bet she has an OB on the case as back-up. And doesn’t it seem like all this energy would be better spent dissuading pregnant women from doing crack rather than worrying that Jessica’s had a few too many French fries?

P.S. I still had 7 weeks to go!

For God’s sake she’s put on baby weight. But the way the media talks you’d think she was four hundred pounds holed away in an attic somewhere like Gilbert Grape’s mom waiting for a crane to haul her off  to labor and delivery.

Can we at least drop the absurd notion that anyone is really worried about Jessica’s baby? The problem has nothing to do with her pregnancy. The problem is that the world is flat out obsessed with female celebrities’ bodies. It was bad enough before Jess was pregnant that every gossip columnist wrote about her every five pound fluctuation. What the hell is that all about? I don’t see an US Weekly cover dedicated to dissecting Gerard Butler’s post Vicidon puff, or Vince Vaughn’s out of control gut. Even John Goodman mostly gets a pass.

And Jessica’s carrying a baby. She should gain weight. But all this ridiculous attention to her body makes regular non-Jessica Simpson women feel crazed about their own weight gain. I’m going to come right out and say it: Jessica Simpson is NORMAL.

What’s worse is how they then praise these celebrities who bounce back a few weeks after giving birth. Yeah, Beyonce may have been Bootylicious again mere months after giving birth but she has a staff of people at her disposal to train her, take care of her kids and make her tasty yet low-fat meals. But the normal woman who doesn’t lose the weight right away because she’s busy taking care of her family is a fat slob. I’d rather see a celebrity who gave birth keep the weight on and say, “yeah, I’ve been too busy with my newborn to give a rat’s ass about my weight right now.”

Um, Jessica? Can I count on you?

 

 

 

Want more from me on Babble? Try The Secret Shame of Raising Picky Eaters or  Have You Gone To the Parenting Dark Side?

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