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"HOW CAN YOU HATE CHEESE FROM A CAN?!" HISSSSS!

First of all, I must clear up your possible assumptions before I launch into my post:

No, I am not directly related to Gwyneth Paltrow.

We are not friends.

And if it weren’t for all the nasty posts about her floating around I would most likely have never checked out her lifestyle website Goop.

So basically her PR agent is the most brilliant person ever.  And no, I don’t know that person either.

The hate aimed at Gwyneth Paltrow in the blogosphere is so intense that I could only assume the six sections of her website Goop (Make/Go/Get/Do/Be and See) would each begin with an embedded video of her skinning a puppy.

The Gwynnie-hate-a-thon seems to be coming from the fact that she says things out-loud and then someone writes them down and publishes them alongside a photo of her in a $4,000 dress.  As far as I can tell this is what it means to be famous.  The difference is that Gywneth seems to have rumpled the feathers of some Mommas (never do this) by saying things like, “I would rather die than let my kids eat cup-a-soup,” “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can,” and the even more offensive “Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?”

Because anyone who is anyone knows that the ONLY way to get a bikini wax is in a panic before you go on your trip.  You know, at the eleventh hour when you casually glance down at your lady privates and scream alone in the bathroom knowing that you have an open window of about 20 minutes to get this done or you’ll be stuck wearing your husbands boxers for the rest of the week and saying things like, “These are so comfortable! I totally get what all the fuss is about! Swimming in boxers is really freeing for my vagina!”

Bikini waxes in Paris, cup-a-soup, and death aside, should she really be publicly flogged for her comments?  It’s not like she’s running for President.  She’s not personally responsible for anything in anyone’s life.  Well, except for her family.  And I’m pretty sure the choice between crack and canned cheese isn’t on the lunch menu.

And for the purpose of full disclosure I once said this:

“I’d rather go to prison than be put through that potty training ordeal ever again.”

And before you judge me, you should know that the ordeal in question involved 1 toddler and 2 adult humans covered in feces.  Almost entirely.  I can also say, with confidence, that the human excrement was also accidentally consumed by at least one adult.

So why do I care about the hate-on for Gwenyth Paltrow?  Because I think there is a difference between humorously poking fun of someone like this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And turning it into this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then a little of this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And writing an extremely mean spirited (dare I say bullying?) blog post.  I would like to think we are all above that.  And let me state for the record if I ever continuously pose with my leg sticking out of a dress I INSIST you photoshop my legs growing out of my head.  Any sane person would.  It would actually show me you care.

I once read that for every hateful thing someone wrote on the internet a fairy had her wings ripped off her back and eaten by a rabid cat.  It’s true.  I read it.  Therefore it must be true.

You can quote me on it.  And these as well:

 


  • “I will give you $1700 to let me sleep in for another 15 minutes” Allana Harkin 1 of 6
    "I will give you $1700 to let me sleep in for another 15 minutes" Allana Harkin
    ...said to my husband the morning after we discovered that children don't let you sleep in just because you decided to stay up and party like a 21 year old.
  • “If I eat another piece of pizza I think Im going to explode.” Allana Harkin 2 of 6
    "If I eat another piece of pizza I think Im going to explode." Allana Harkin
    ...said after every single pizza that is delivered to our door. We're talking hundreds of pizzas. And technically, I'm lactose intolerant and allergic to gluten.
  • “I would throw myself off this ski lift for a pint of beer” Allana Harkin 3 of 6
    "I would throw myself off this ski lift for a pint of beer" Allana Harkin
    ...said in the first 3 minutes of sitting on the ski lift.
  • “My heart has been ripped out and beaten with a baseball bat.” Allana Harkin 4 of 6
    "My heart has been ripped out and beaten with a baseball bat."  Allana Harkin
    After reading "The Kite Runner".
  • “No, seriously. I will give you my car if you go poo in the potty.” Allana Harkin 5 of 6
    "No, seriously. I will give you my car if you go poo in the potty." Allana Harkin
    ...said to my toddler while leaning on toilet and crying.
  • “If you ever see me spraying foamy canned cheese into my mouth I want you to take me outside and shoot me.” Allana Harkin 6 of 6
    "If you ever see me spraying foamy canned cheese into my mouth I want you to take me outside and shoot me." Allana Harkin
    After googling "cheese in a can".

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Read more of Allana at EOTS:

Hunter-Gatherer-Warrior Mother

Dear Daughter

All Hail The Single Mother

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