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Check Your Head

This might make me sound like a horrible snob, but I am going to say it anyway.

I hate self check out.

I hate it in all stores, but in grocery stores it is the absolute worst. How the hell am I supposed to know produce codes? I could look them up if you had alphabetical charts, but no – the ones at my store go by color or cultivar or UPC code or some such nonsense that I don’t have memorized because I DON’T WORK IN A GROCERY STORE.

I don’t have anything against people who work in grocery stores, and I happen to know for a fact (Unless that one cashier was lying to me, which now that I am thinking about it he totally could have been. In fact now that I am really thinking about it he could have been hitting on me.) that the employees at my Safeway make way more than minimum wage. They make so much more than minimum wage that I actually considered applying for a job there.

Of course, then I remembered that I had two twenty month olds at home and $15 per hour would not cover their day care expenses. Not in the D.C. area anyway. Not even if I got a really sweet employee discount on all of my cilantro needs.

It isn’t even just the produce codes. I hate bagging my own groceries. I am easily frustrated with crumpled bar codes. For some reason I feel compelled to not scan the expensive things even though I am not normally the shoplifting type. Plus, the guy always has to come over and check my ID when I buy wine.

Also, I don’t work there.

I should get paid to do the supermarket’s work. My mechanic is never like “Hey Sarah, can you come over here and tighten up the lug nuts?” (Are lug nuts even a real thing, or did I just make that up?) My doctor never makes me take my own x-rays. There is no co-op lifeguarding at the pool. Why does Safeway always want me to work for free?

Some people argue that they like self check-out because that way nobody can see what they are buying. I honestly don’t care if the cashier can glean that I am making fajitas for dinner. I don’t even care if someone sees me buying personal items. I am a woman in her 30s, odds are I need tampons every once in a while. When I buy really embarrassing stuff I either 1) do it all at once so the guy at the counter thinks it is for a gag gift or 2) I scowl and stare them right in the eye so that they don’t even dare smirk.

One time at a drug store I bought  (don’t read this mom) antibiotics for my UTI and a huge box of condoms at the same time. The cashier was all *beep*, *beep* and then he looked up at me with huge shocked eyes, looked over at my shopping companion (who would soon become my husband) and then looked down and never made eye contact again.

At the time I was deeply humiliated. I figure I can never be that embarrassed by a cashier again.

Then again, I just told the entire internet the story, so I must have moved on. Either that or after sending one kid to school without pants on (she was wearing tights, I thought they were leggings) and having the other kid sharing our family tradition of “Death Metal Wednesday” with his entire first grade class in the same week, my idea of what is actually embarrassing had changed.

Either way, I don’t want to check out my own groceries. Do you?

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