Children Give You Cavities

My mouth was in this exact position for 2 hours.

My mouth was in this exact position for 2 hours.

I have always loved teeth.

My relationship with my mouth pretty much started at birth and it was soon after that I started to obsesses about my pearly whites.  As a very young child I’ll never forget the day the dentist told me that my teeth were “Just About Perfect”.  I was in love.  He was approximately 45 years older than me and I still traveled by stroller but that compliment was all it took.  Considering I was cross-eyed, with little hair and had a giant gap between my two front teeth I really languished over any and all compliments that came my way.  By age 4, if given the opportunity, I could floss our family dog in under 10 seconds before he even knew what hit him.  My teeth sparkled. When I met people who told me they’d never flossed I was immediately suspicious, partially repulsed, but mostly eager to pop the cherry on their flossing virginity.  Flossing was AMAZING.  Flossing is the Q-tip’s first cousin. Get in there!

My cavity-free mouth was a point of pride, an opportunity for smugness and a great conversation starter amongst people who were mostly too polite to tell me to shut up.

I’m sure one of them voodoo’d me.

Because my friends, I am no longer cavity free.  I’m ‘cavitied’.  The drilling  was like getting a bad hair cut and lamenting all the hair debris on the floor.  Only it was mostly teeth dust and saliva ricocheting off the saliva vacuum in my mouth.  I cannot lie.  It was a sad sad day.

With a frozen face and two mouth openers still in my mouth I asked the dentist:

“HAAA E ES HAEYEN? (How did this happen?!)

Dentist: Believe it or not I see this a lot in new moms.

Me: EAEE? (really?)

Dentist: Absolutely. You just don’t take care of yourself like you used to.

Me: HA OT EWW! (That’s not true!)

Dentist: Did you ever fall asleep breastfeeding at night?  Or give up flossing at one point?

Me:  - guilty – (aaa) (ya)

Dentist:  That’s all it takes.

Me:  meeaaaoooouu. (meeeaaaoooouu)

Dentist:  What?

Me: naaeeen. I uhh aking ad oun ow.  (Nothing. I’m just making sad sounds now.)

So with a frozen face, sensitive teeth and a right eyeball that felt really funny I went home and did the only thing that made sense: I ate a gigantic piece of left-over birthday cake.

I see the irony.  I don’t care.

But I did go purchase myself an electric toothbrush and have now been flossing like a hobbit looking for a golden ring.  I’m determined to ward off any more cavities but have not completely given up on introducing titillating dentist talk into dinner party conversation.  Plus, “Have you ever had a frozen eyeball?” is a better lead in than “Let me share with you the fascinating story of my cavity-free mouth.”

Right?  Right?!

p.s. Go floss.

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Check out other posts by  Sam and Allana:

Allana is a caring person

Sam is a Dirty Mother on an airplane

Are we actually still talking about this for reals?

This stuff is tiring

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