Conspicuous Consumption: 10 Things The Triplets Totally WasteJohn Cave Osborne
So, we do our best. You know, to play our part. In making this planet a greener one, that is. I mean, we recycle. And we’ve got one of those bad-ass, water-saving washing machines that emits more chirps than a turned-on R2D2. And our dog drinks from toilet, so there’s that, too. (Note to self — do NOT let Briggs lick the baby…)
But we’ve also got five kids who are prone to leaving the lights on as well as the faucets running. I mean, hell, they’ve pretty much already drained my wife and me of all our energy. So there’s that, too. Point? Despite our best intentions, we’re probably leaving a carbon footprint the size of one Bigfoot might make. If he were wearing flippers.
And our four-year old triplets aren’t helping with their conspicuous consumption — aka their wastefulness. Not that they’re different from any other four-year-olds out there. They’re not. There’s just three of them which makes them a triple threat when it comes to wasting their favorite things. And those things would be…
Toothpaste 1 of 10The triplets use so much toothpaste, it's a joke. In their defense, it's not so much that they intentionally waste it -- more just that they insist on dispensing it from the tube themselves. Which they lack the coordination to do. So they squeeze super-hard and the next thing you know, the bathroom counter's got a smiley face on it. Which they proceed to treat like finger paint.
Mouthwash 2 of 10I recently began bribing the triplets with mouthwash to get them to brush their teeth without a fuss. Now they're all "Daddy my breath stinks. I better have some moufwash." The way I see it, though? If they're going to insist on being wasteful, at least they'll do so while having strong teeth and minty-fresh breath, right?
Stickers 3 of 10It's not just all the stickers they waste. It's where they put them. If we let them run wild with this fixation, the official color of my vehicle would be "sponge-bob sticker." Photo Credit
Glue 4 of 10See that box of glue up there? It'd last us a week. Tops. Why do kids fail to understand that you just don't need a shit-ton of Elmer's to get the triangle cutout to stick on a piece of construction paper?Photo Credit
Construction paper 5 of 10Speaking of construction paper, the resulting mess left in the wake of the over-gluer requires more "do overs," hence more pieces of construction paper, than tree lover would care to know. Photo Credit
Glitter 6 of 10The only thing worse than the wasteful amounts of glue and construction paper is the preposterous amount of glitter which so often accompanies it. I swear, whenever I facilitate these artsy endeavors, I end up looking like Ke$ha outta the deal. Photo Credit
Band aids 7 of 10I know. You were expecting this one. Because everyone knows that kids like band aids. Yet my question is this: does anyone really know why? Photo Credit
ChapStick 8 of 10Not sure which bothers me more the fact that they smear that stuff on by the centimeter, or the fact that they're constantly asking me to smell their lips. Photo Credit
Hand soap 9 of 10Go figure. The same three kids who pitch a fit each and every time they're asked to bathe can't get enough of the hand soap. Which just proves they should come up with a way to put vegetables in a pump dispenser, no?Photo Credit
Sidewalk chalk 10 of 10Within minutes, a new piece of chalk turns into a barely-usable shard that looks suddenly resembles a weapon of some sort. Which, I suppose, is appropriate given that the triplets come off like little gangsta, what with all the (misspelled) driveway graffiti they're rocking. Photo Credit
So what did I forget? What do your kids waste?
Read more of JCO Multiplied:
How the DVR Ruined My Vacation in Specific and Parenting in General
Beach Vacation by the Numbers
15 Things Every Stepparent Should Know
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