Contagion and Other Movies I Don’t Want to See

Every so often -and by often I mean every six weeks- my husband and I go on “date night.” I don’t call it date night because I just don’t like the fact that I’m a mini-van drivin’, forty sumthin’, soccer practice chaufferin’, Botox gettin’ mom who has to have my nights out with my husband sanctioned by society as “date night.” Can there be any part of my life that’s not a cliche? But whatevs. We go out. Sans kids. Sometimes we eat sushi (but it makes me miss sake a bit too much) and sometimes we see a movie.

My husband really loves to go out to movies, he misses it. Personally, I am more than happy to wait for everything to come out on Netflix and sit on my couch watching it on my own timetable without having to mortgage our home to buy a medium tub of popcorn only to find someone’s fat head obscuring the bottom fifth of the screen and then having to listen to a screaming child in the theater because some other couple didn’t realize that “date night” meant no goddamn kids. But I digress. Yes, sometimes, I go see a movie. But since this is such an infrequent happening, I’ve become very picky about what I see. The whole outing is a huge time and money suck so I refuse to waste it on something I know I won’t like. Here is a short list of movies I will NOT be seeing in the theater no matter how much my husband begs.

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  • Contagion 1 of 5
    Contagion
    This is a movie about a virus that starts with one person who goes out of the country, contracts some sort of superbug and then comes home and unleashes it on the local population. The "contagion" grows and spreads until it has wreaked havoc on the entire planet and everyone's trying to figure out who started it. Seen it, lived it. It's called preschool. Be it lice or or a hacking cough, viruses are the bane of my existence and threaten to put everyone in the hospital at least once a year. Why would I possible pay to see the movie? But the bigger question is why doesn't my life star Matt Damon?
  • Shark Night 3D 2 of 5
    Shark Night 3D
    I don't get the horror movie genre. I think it started with seeing Friday the 13th when I was too young to even fully appreciate young people getting slashed to death for no reason. I'm not opposed to suspense but watching sharks eat people to death isn't suspenseful, it's horrifying. Color me boring but I don't think my movie going experience should culminate in a need to get back into therapy. Plus, 3D. Seriously? Is that necessary? Isn't it bad enough that someone's going to lose a leg? Do I need it to seem like the leg is hurling through space toward my head? How is this a good time? I realize people like to be scared. Did you see the movie Open Water? That is suspenseful and it's about sharks and the best part is it's based on a true story —you know, like all my favorite Lifetime movies.
  • The Change-Up 3 of 5
    The Change-Up
    I'm allergic to the premise of this movie. When I hear about any sort of body changing movie I break out in the I Don't Want To Go's. Have you seen Freaky Friday? All of Me? What Women Want? 18 Again! Prelude to a Kiss? Vice Versa? Freaky Friday 2? 17 Again! The Hot Chick? Big? I can't sit through a movie like this which has no basis in reality. Premise: Being a dad of twins is hard. My life is boring. It sure seems like it would be great to be that guy who gets to have sex with a bunch of different people all the time and has no haggy wife bossing him around all the time. Dude, I wished it and now I'm him! And he's me! This is nuts. Wait a minute, his life isn't so great, it's actually kind of meaningless. I wish I were back to being me! So yeah, I don't want to see it. Wait, it's based on a true story? Lemme go see where it's playing.
  • Mysteries of Lisbon 4 of 5
    Mysteries of Lisbon
    This movie has a lot of things working against it for me. The first of which is that it's about a countess and it's not countess LuAnn de Lesepps from RHONY which would change everything. I know you will think me shallow and uncultured but I don't enjoy movies that take place in a different century. Any movie that could be up for best costume design is probably going to put me to sleep. I like my movies to take place at least after the invention of cars and better yet, from the 70's on.
  • Captain America 5 of 5
    Captain America
    If you read my reasons for not wanting to see the last four movies then my disinterest in seeing this one shouldn't come as a real shocker. I don't like costumes, and I really don't like fantastical characters. I might like Captain America if say, Captain America turned out to be a real guy who suffered from Asperger's which led him to wear the elaborate outfit because the only way he could deal with the outside world was through the "protection" of his special cape. But with the help of a deeply sensitive therapist a la Robin Williams from Good Will Hunting or Judd Hirsh in Ordinary People, he learns some coping skills that allow him to let in the love of his family and in three hanky ending his long suffering girlfriend finally gets her proposal. Of course they get married in costume, he as Captain America and she as Wonder Woman but it's only to show that she accepts him as he is. Okay, I'm pitching this bitch to Lifetime so don't try to steal it!

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