Are you looking for the perfect recipe for the ultimate case of cabin fever? Well, you’ve come to the right place because after 31 years of experimenting with different techniques, I’ve found it! I assure you, I have never seen cabin fever cook-up so perfectly as it does with the following list of ingredients. Be sure to follow the directions exactly.
1 Winter that starts earlier than usual.
1 Winter with almost no snow, thereby taking away any reason you’d ever have for leaving the house at all.
1 Dirty house.
1 Romantic break-up.
1 Smelly dog.
2 Bad cartons of milk in the fridge.
1 Missed episode of your favorite show.
1 Vicious cold.
2 Eyes infected with pink eye.
1 Severe allergic reaction.
1 Case of strep throat.
1 Tiny backyard full of dog poop.
4 Heaping baskets of dirty laundry.
1 Neighbor yelling at you for leaving your garbage cans out for two days.
1 Dropped carton of eggs.
First, you take your winter that starts earlier, and add to that the winter with almost no snow. You’ll want to longingly look at your snowshoes and your skis every time you pass by them in the garage. Next, walk past the sleds and picture all the fun you thought you were going to have with your kid when you bought him all that expensive snow gear last October.
Once your winter is in place, pre-heat your house to 70 degrees. Then juggle the thermostat from heat to cold twice a day since the elements outside don’t seem to care about your comfort.
While your house is pre-heating, throw another pair of dirty underwear onto one of your piles of dirty laundry and see if you can make it one more day without having the whole thing tumble over.
Now, it’s very important that you do this next part correctly. Take the four sicknesses, and combine them all together. These must go together at the exact same time or you might not end up in the emergency room or unable to see or touch your child.
Once you have combined the four sicknesses, break things off with the girl that things had been going so well with. While you’re outside on your front porch talking to her, nod your head politely when your neighbor walks over and interrupts you to tell you that you’re bringing down the value of the neighborhood.
After she’s gone, move to the backyard where neighbors can’t get all up in your grill, then realize that the backyard is no place to be because there is literally nowhere to stand. Tip toe through the dog bombs and enter your house again through the back door.
This is where you’ll want to clumsily knock an entire 24-carton of brand new eggs off of the table. While that mess gets cleaned up, cautiously lift your head and notice that your entire house is in disarray. Tell yourself you’ll get to it tomorrow, pour yourself a glass of cold milk, and plop down on the couch just in time for your favorite show. If you’ve followed the recipe correctly, you’ll realize at this point that it is a day later than you thought, and you missed it completely. Curse. Take a drink of your milk. Realize that it’s rotten. Curse again.
Turn off the lights, lean back, and let the cabin fever really set in. Your dog will walk over looking for an ear scratch. Tell him to go away because he stinks to high heaven. Then give him one anyway.
Let things cool for 10-15 minutes. Then call up a buddy. You’ve gotta get the heck out of your house for a while.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
PS. Anybody else get serious cabin fever sometimes? Anybody else as excited for Spring as I am. It’s so close I can taste it! Of course, that might just be the aftertaste of the honey tea I just drank.
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