Death To BananasSamantha Bee
Brace yourself: I hate bananas. I hate them so much, I wish that I could go back in time and remove them from the history of the Earth, so I would never have to see another banana ever again. It’s OK; no one would miss them, since they would never have existed to begin with. (Trust me, I’ve thought it through.)
I realize that they are single-handedly responsible for keeping my children upright, I get it. Children just love bananas (said with maximum sarcastic hand gesturing). My children love bananas. But so help me God, when the last of them walks out that door en route to Harvard (I assume), there will be no more bananas in my home. And that is a promise.
I am tired of having to stop at the store every day to feed my children’s incessant appetite for them. I’m tired of stepping on their gooey innards, tired of smelling the sickly scent of an overlooked banana that sits browning on the counter as yet another batch of sprightly young green bananas flies in to usurp it. I could seriously weave the world’s most disgusting sweater’ out of all the gross banana yarn that my children leave strewn about the house. And I feel like at any given time there are at least three dozen black frozen bananas mocking me from the freezer, daring me to make another batch of damnable banana bread. No one likes it. It’s only good if you put chocolate chips in it, and frankly, leave the bananas out.
I know a lot of you are banana lovers. You feel angry right now, and upset that someone would take such a strong position on a harmless fruit that just wants to sit there harboring tiny flies and just being yellow and generally repulsive. So to you, I would like to say “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry that you have been led to believe that bananas are perfect and wonderful and an acceptable substitute for ice cream. Don’t you dare send me that recipe for pretend ice cream made entirely from bananas. Don’t. You. Dare.
And don’t try to impress me with all this business about potassium, I see right through it. No human body can process the amount of potassium that my children consume on a daily basis. Every time they pee, they shed more potassium than it would take to unwind the leg cramps of every pregnant woman in the world and all the ballerinas simultaneously, to the power of ten.
They just feel wrong to me. I’m from Canada. I shouldn’t need something that comes from a tropical climate, should I? Can’t I make do with the potassium from beets or something? Can’t my children suck on a turnip just once, just to give me a break? And for that matter, why am I not getting more of my Vitamin C from Swiss Chard and hardy things that grow under the ice and snow like, well, like Canadians themselves?
And with that I would like to say “Bananas, thank you for your service. You have seventeen years left in which to nourish my children. Now let’s ‘make like a banana’ and…get the f@#k out of my kitchen.”
To defend the banana… Allana Harkin.
Whoa! To plead for their life, I would now like to ask Mr. or Mrs. Banana to approach the stand.
Sam, I really hope a banana wasn’t listening in on your little tirade. How can you hate something so much that comes in its own protective jacket? Bananas just might be the most environmentally friendly food on the planet. When I notice that a store is selling their bananas in a plastic bag I immediately raise an eyebrow in disapproval.
I’ll agree with you on one point: Bananas have also kept my children alive. Isn’t that enough to give them a little bit of respect? Do bananas need to apologize for reducing high blood pressure and preventing your bones from turning into dry leaves? And let’s talk about your bowel movements. Yes, let’s. I can only assume from this post that you have never been so constipated that you’ve had to roll up a towel and chew on it to distract yourself from the fact that your ‘equipment’ feels like it’s lined with razor blades. Well bananas can help you there too by keeping your bowel movements regular and, well, as soft as a banana.
And did you just put a turnip in the same category as a banana? Why not give your children an old paper bag to chew on? Maybe you could turn breakfast time into some kind of cruel penance! Fun!
Look, you know I love you. Which is why I want to suggest you eat a banana. You sound a little bit stressed out and, guess what? – bananas help to produce serotonin that help to decrease stress levels.
So I’ll leave it at this: If a banana was human I probably would’ve married it. Because size matters…and a banana makes a pretty great snack. Plus my name rhymes with Banana (thanks for noticing).
p.s.. It really going to be hard for me to not send you a bushel of bananas for your birthday or dress in a giant banana costume for the next time we go to the theater together. Just saying.