Mother’s Day is a wonderful day in praise of moms everywhere, in which hard-working mothers are commended for their selfless dedication, admired for their steadfast love, and given a day in which they have absolutely no responsibilities at all. Right?
Actually, Mother’s Day is generally a day where I get to feel loved and appreciated by way of delightful “gifts,” if by gifts you mean things that are thrust upon me that I must receive with a fake smile and perfected “I love this” voice. Wait. Was that too honest?
As long as we’re being honest about things, here’s a list of gifts children (or husbands) should never—under any circumstances—give a mother for Mother’s Day:
1. Any How to Be a Better Mom book.
2. Another dog. Because you know what’s missing from my life? Another mouth to feed. Another needy creature to clean up after. More poop.
3. A workout DVD. “I love you, Mom, but you’ve gotten squishier the last few times we hugged.”
4. A pink kitchen appliance or tool. Actually, I don’t care what color it is. If it implies work, then I don’t want it.
5. Money. Chances are I gave my child that money in the first place.
6. A trophy. You know where I would like to display that store-bought “Best Mom” or “#1 Mom” trophy? In the trash. (Unless you made it yourself, in which case I will display it on a shelf in the back of my closet.)
7. A tattoo on any part of your body that references how much you love me. Dear God, no.
8. Any cleaning product, no matter how fancy it is. If it implies, “Go clean something, Mom,” then keep it for yourself.
9. An e-card. Nothing says “I care about you” like something you didn’t pay for or take the time to mail. (But a hand-written thank you note or lovingly written email? Those would be wonderful.)
10. A trampoline. Well done, Dad. You have become an expert manipulator of your children.
11. A video game. Well done, kids. You have become expert manipulators of your father.
12. Spanx. See #3.
14. Breakfast in bed. Unless you also clean up the kitchen and do the dishes.
15. Socks. Go away.
16. A tin of popcorn. Just because you forgot to get something and the Boy Scouts happened to come to the door doesn’t mean this is a gift I want.
17. A coupon book if you are over 10. Look, it’s cute that I can trade a coupon for a hug, but there are only so many times I’ll make a transaction for your affection.
18. A whole day of hanging with the kids. DO YOU NOT KNOW ME AT ALL?
Don’t worry. There’s still time to exchange your Mother’s Day gift for something she’ll want.