Remember who the parent is, and teach your kids to honor their commitments
My friend Rich and I have a lot in common when it comes to fatherhood. We’re the same age, we have sons the same age, and since we both share 50/50 custody with our exes, we spend a lot of time parenting on our own. The other day he and I were marveling at how our 10-year-olds suddenly think they’re 20-year-olds when he told me something that hit me right in my Umbrage-ometer.
Now that our kids are out of school, Rich’s son invited his classmate to spend the day at an amusement park. This isn’t a park you can just show up to; it’s a good 90 minutes’ drive away, so you have to clear your day for it, coordinate driving, pack meals, the whole shebang. The kid said yes, so Rich confirmed it with the parents, cleared his schedule (took the day off, etc.), and planned everything out.
The night before the trip, Rich called the friend’s dad to confirm plans, and the dad said, “Yeah, I don’t know about tomorrow. My son sort of doesn’t want to go.”
Um, what?
“You sure? My son is really looking forward to this.” [Not to mention that I moved Heaven and Earth and a few other planets to make it happen.]
“Let me check with him. Hold on.” Pause. “Yeah, he’s pretty adamant about staying home.”
Um, DOUBLE WHAT?
Are you kidding me? Adamant? Who’s running this show, anyway? Does the kid get to be adamant about homework, too? And bedtime? And whether to brush his teeth or just fall asleep anywhere with a mouthful of Oreos?
I’ve been there, too. A parent confirms plans and then lets the kid blow them off when he changes his mind. And it isn’t the kid’s fault. Kids are mercurial. They think new things every 10 seconds. My sons’ friend bases shift so constantly that someone needs to invent a database that updates it in real time. It’s up to the parent to help the kid understand the big picture and say, “Sorry, kid. We said we were gonna go, and we’re gonna go.” If you don’t do that, you’re just being lazy and insensitive, and you’re teaching your kid to be the same.
We all understand that material things come up, and sometimes plans have to be postponed or cancelled. But it’s absolutely not cool to let your kid opt out of something when he doesn’t feel like it. Your kid isn’t in charge. You are. Set a good example and honor your commitments.
Or at least pretend that a material thing has come up, so I don’t have to manage my kid’s disappointment and put your kid on the lowest tier of my Playdate List.
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It’s interesting – today seems to be a day of reflection on this very topic. About an hour ago, someone on Twitter posted this article, about whether/why American kids are spoiled. It’s a fascinating read. And it seems to be upheld by your story.
I understand about wanting to let kids do stuff they want to do, but when you make a commitment – especially one involving someone else – you stick with it. ESPECIALLY when other kids are involved.
When I meet people who don’t get this, I start to suspect them of having sociopathic tendencies.
But if you’re the parent of the kid who doesn’t want to go, what do you do? I wonder about that pretty regularly because one of my kids has a friend who is always cancelling at the last minute, with his parents NOT NEARLY APOLOGETIC ENOUGH apologies tainted with approval. I don’t want their son to come anyway and be sulky, and I’m not sure how a parent can guarantee that a kid who is forced to do something will be gracious about it.
In our case, I have stopped assuming that something is going to happen just because it’s planned. I unleash a fair number of happy surprises instead: Hey, your self-involved friend is coming over! Later we’ll be dropping him off at his self-involved parents’ house!
That is really not cool. I understand you have to be flexible with kids and their moods, but it’s different with a toddler than a ten year old. Move him to the bottom tier of the play date list indeed.
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http://the-quiet-corner.blogspot.com/
When you get past the age of 3 and there’s no illness or forgotten previous commitment involved (or a sudden event like a funeral), you have to learn to think hard before you commit to doing something because if you change your mind on a whim, oh well. You can’t inconvenience others just because you don’t feel like doing whatever it is that you signed up for.
IMO, fear of the child being sulky is a terrible reason to keep a child home instead of sending them to their commitment. How, then, will they LEARN to be gracious? If the child goes to the amusement park and then isn’t gracious to those who invited him/her, guess what that gets him/her? A punishment. A privilege taken away.
Kids test boundaries. They want to find out what happens if they dig in their heels. Can I act out? Can I throw a fit in this situation? What will happen to me if I refuse?
When they find out that they won’t like what happens, they will learn to be much more careful before making commitments and that attending some event that they signed up for that they aren’t crazy about all of a sudden is a whole lot more pleasant than the alternative.