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Downton Abbey Season Three: WAROO!

We’re excited to have some new faces to talk about the third season of Downton Abbey! Today’s panel is Chewbacca, with C3PO acting as Chewbacca’s translator, and our moderator, Aquatic Batman. CAUTION: SPOILERS.

BATMAN: “Well, this is a little slim for a panel discussion, isn’t it — me and an eight-foot-tall bath mat?”

C3PO: “I’m told that Spider-man is missing and Iron Man is tied up in post-production for Iron Man 3, which we’re all looking forward to seeing when it opens May 3rd.”

BATMAN: “You are, maybe. What happened to all of those Twilight kids?”

CHEWBACCA: “AIRRROOO! WRAAAGH!”

C3PO: “Rehab.”

BATMAN: “Delightful.”

C3PO: “I should also note that Chewbacca is happy to be here but would protest being called a bath mat.

CHEWBACCA: “RWAAAA, WORRR.”

BATMAN: “Is he armed?”

C3PO: “And he is seven feet, three inches tall.”

BATMAN: “Got it. I assume he has cable.”

C3P0: “Oh, yes, Mr. Batman! Chewbacca and I are both well prepared to take part in the discussion.”

BATMAN: “Okay, we’re covering episodes one and two today, try to keep up. So Matthew and Mary tied the knot.”

CHEWBACCA: “WAROOOOOO!”

C3P0: “Chewbacca was very excited by the wedding, he thinks Matthew and Mary are prefect for each other! After so many ups and downs in their romance — ”

BATMAN: “They are perfect for each other because they’re a couple of rich twits.”

CHEWBACCA: “ARRRRGHH UURRRRR!”

C3P0: “Yes.”

BATMAN: “Yes? Is that what Yes sounds like?”

CHEWBACCA: “ARRRRGHH UURRRRR!”

C3PO: “Yes.”

BATMAN: “Oh my God.”

CHEWBACCA: “WHRRRRR.”

C3PO: “But he’s disappointed in Matthew’s prudish unwillingness to use his dead fiancée’s money to save Downton.”

BATMAN: “Why should Matthew save that bloated pile of bricks? Five people live in a house with 80 bedrooms. Wait, no. FOUR people live in a house with 80 bedrooms. Four people who can’t seem to put on their own clothes.”

C3PO: “Yes, but it’s not just the Crawley family, they employ quite a large staff, what would happen to them?”

BATMAN: “They’d quit being subservient tools of an oppressive class system.”

CHEWBACCA: “ARRROOO, HANWARRR.”

C3PO: “He says you remind him of a dear friend of his who was often quite blunt in his opinions, but had a warm heart deep down inside.”

BATMAN: “He has X-ray vision, too? Come on, we’ve got ten pages of questions to get through . . .”

C3P0: “And who often deflects the feelings of others through the use of wry humor and insult.”

BATMAN: “SO ANYWAY.”

CHEWBACCA: “GARR? OOUUURRRAA.”

C3PO: “Chewbacca would like to know what we think of Shirley MacLaine as the rich American grandmother?”

BATMAN: “How old is she now, 97? I’d still take a ride on her porch swing.”

C3PO: “I believe she’s in her late seventies and she has always been quite striking.”

CHEWBACCA: “OOORRRRRAAAAAA . . . ”

C3PO: (blushing)

BATMAN: “The bath mat goes for older women.”

C3PO: “She’s quite young for him, actually. Chewbacca is well over 200 years old.”

BATMAN: “You’re sh****g me.”

C3PO: “I’m quite serious. Wookkiees age very well.”

BATMAN: “Speaking of aging well, too bad Edith fell in love with some rotten old fruit that her father disapproves of. Like it’s his business anyway.”

CHEWBACCA: “WRR.”

C3PO: “Chewbacca wants to know what you mean by old fruit.”

BATMAN: “Oh, hell, it’s just an expression. The British — old bean, old fruit — I’m not using a gay slur, the guy seriously looks like a soggy squash.”

CHEWBACCA: “GRAOUOOOO.”

C3PO: “Squash is not a fruit.”

BATMAN: “Is there some way to disable your protocol settings?”

C3PO: “Chewbacca is also terribly disappointed that Sir Anthony caved in to family pressure and left Edith at the altar.”

BATMAN: “He’s not a tough guy, he just wants to lead a quiet life and die. God knows I would . . . if I could.”

C3PO: “Sir? Are you — is that a tear on your cheek?”

BATMAN: “LEAVE ME ALONE.”

SPIDER-MAN: “Hey! What’d I miss?”

CHEWBACCA: “PUURRRRRRR, PUURRRRRR . . .”

SPIDER-MAN: “Hey there, big fella!”

C3PO: “I think he likes you, sir!”

SPIDER-MAN: “I always wanted a dog.”

BATMAN: “It’s a Wookkiee, you moron.”

SPIDER-MAN: “Are you crying?”

BATMAN: “No! You’re late. Can we get back on topic, please?”

SPIDER-MAN: “Did I interrupt your therapy session or something?”

C3PO: “If I may, I’d like to ask a question of the panel. Does anyone think the characters are losing their edge over time? That the show is getting nicer?”

SPIDER-MAN: “Oh, yeah. Remember back in the first season when everyone was terrified of Maggie Smith, and Edith was a total backstabbing liar, luring away married men? And Mary f**ked some guy to death? Man, that was television.”

CHEWBACCA: “MRROWW.”

SPIDER-MAN: “I know, right? This season we get some guy we’ve never seen before drugging the angry Irishman’s drink, and what happens? Mary goes, “Ooh, you’re a bully!” and everyone gets a warm feeling about Irish Tom because he’s wearing a nice jacket and they’re not threatened by him anymore. Man, I miss the days when I thought he was going to blow up the whole house.”

BATMAN: “They’ve emasculated him. He’s a mascot now, a little barking dog on a leash.”

SPIDER-MAN: “Yes! Just like they de-fanged Maggie Smith. You know who hasn’t been taking his Prozac, though? Bates.”

BATMAN: “He’s going to shiv his cellmate, just like he took care of Vera.”

SPIDER-MAN: “Do you think he killed Vera?”

BATMAN: “Yes. All that nicey-nice guy stuff is fake.”

SPIDER-MAN: “I think Thomas the valet did it.”

CHEWBACCA: “ORRA?”

C3PO: “This is all very surprising to Chewbacca. I, myself, think Vera faked her own death and after undergoing experimental plastic surgery that goes horribly wrong will show up later as Mrs. Patmore’s one-eyed new assistant.”

CHEWBACCA: “DURRR.”

BATMAN: “Sure. Why not.”

SPIDER-MAN: “Speaking of the downstairs staff, what was up with breast cancer treatment 100 years ago?”

BATMAN: “It wouldn’t have been pretty. Not that it is now, but they didn’t even have penicillin yet.”

SPIDER-MAN: “So, what happened? You put an ether-soaked rag over your face and hoped the surgery didn’t kill you?”

BATMAN: “The average life expectancy for Britain at the time was 50 years, so half the cast ought to be dead anyway.”

SPIDER-MAN: “That’s bleak.”

C3PO: “What are your predictions for the next episode, gentlemen?”

SPIDER-MAN: “That maybe we get some ladies on the panel here, first of all.”

BATMAN: “I think they should lose the house and have Matthew give all his money to orphans in India so that Mary has to get a job to support them all.”

SPIDER-MAN: “What would she do for a living?”

BATMAN: “She could be one of those fast-talking, opinionated newsroom gals who always gets the scoop.”

C3PO: “She could lead a rebel alliance!”

SPIDER-MAN: “She’d probably just leave Matthew and run off to America and marry a railroad tycoon.”

CHEWBACCA: “HUBBA HUBBA.”

C3PO: “Chewbacca says –”

BATMAN: “We get it, tin man, thanks.”

Join us next time when our panel digs in to the new season of Girls!

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