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Eat, Pray, UGH….Just ASK HER ABOUT THE BABY!

I'm sorry, I can't ask you about your baby because I'm eating pasta. (Photo: Sony Pictures)

I’m sorry, I can’t ask you about your baby because I’m eating pasta.
(Photo: Sony Pictures)

I went on Netflix last night to desperately search for any Academy Award Nominated films. You see, I love award shows and will most certainly be one of those individuals who sits through the entire thing on Sunday. It’s a love/hate relationship and the closest thing I know to watching a hockey game where I get to scream “GET OFF THE STAGE!” one moment and gleefully clap a moment later when the underdog wins the day. But if I’m actually relying on Netflix then I’m going to be catching up on straight to video movies from 2004. Okay, it’s not that bad but it’s not that great either.  It’s just that right now, with two small children, it’s (usually) the best I can do. In fact I recently wrote a tweet which was immediately retweeted dozens of times over which read:

“I haven’t seen even one of these films and won’t until they’re on Netflix”, signed every parent with children under the age of 5. #OscarNoms

I’m not alone here.  That being said it still strikes fear in my heart. I can’t watch the Oscars without seeing ONE SINGLE MOVIE. I’m an ACTOR for God’s sakes. Right now the only category I’m remotely up to speed with is the animated one. I cannot cheer for Wreck-it Ralph. It was fine, and although I’m a huge fan of go-karts made of candy it’s known by everyone everywhere that animators give shitty acceptance speeches. And besides, didn’t Daniel Day Lewis give the performance of a lifetime in “Lincoln”? Hold on, Helen Hunt was in a movie? And what the f*#K is AMOUR?

So last night I threw in the towel and watched “Eat, Pray, Love” * on Netflix. Why? Because it was medically necessary for me to watch Julia Roberts** and eat ice-cream. This happens once a month…I know I can’t be alone in this. I will also cry sporadically and convince myself that I will be bloated for an eternity. 24 hours later I’m fine. I bring this up because there was a scene in the movie where Julia Roberts’ character Elizabeth Gilbert encounters a series of events that lead her to the huge epiphany that she doesn’t want to be married anymore. Her best friend has just had a baby and reveals to Roberts’ character that, even before she was a mother, she was secretly purchasing children’s clothing and putting it into a keepsake box. This moment makes Elizabeth aka Julia Roberts pause and reflect on the fact that she’s done something similar but with travel aspirations. Maybe she’s not cut out for motherhood after all?

Cue me dropping my spoon and telling the movie to f@#k off. I don’t know ONE SINGLE WOMAN who created a keepsake box of children’s items before they were pregnant. Nobody. Nada. Not even close. And if I did it wouldn’t make me think, “Damn, I must not want children, I haven’t been collecting 100% organic onesies! The closest thing I have to a collection is the 4 bottles of vodka in my liquor cabinet.” This is not to say those people don’t exist. A very good friend of mine had a “wedding book” in first year University with magazine cutouts from bridal magazines. The only problem is no one dares to make fun of her because she’s now married to a super hot Greek man who’s attentive to her feelings.

But I digress….

Julia Robert’s character does not want children. Her life is sent into a spiral.  Her best friend the new mother is there for her, watching her fall down and climb back up again.  And not once, ever, does Julia Roberts ask her best friend, the amazing Viola Davis, the brand new mother, how she is doing. I really wanted to see the scene where Viola slapped Julia and said,

“Get your shit together!  My boobs are killing me, I haven’t slept in 4 weeks, my vagina feels like someone punch it with brass knuckles and I’m suddenly realizing I won’t be able to go on a proper vacation for about 2 years. So BOO HOO HOO. Traveling is HARD. Go pray and shove your pie hole with pasta.”

Then again maybe I just didn’t love the movie?

Looks like I’m just going to have to shell out 13 bucks and go see “Life of Pi”.  God help me if that boy and Tiger get shipwrecked with a new mom. There’s going to be yelling, especially if I’m ovulating.

Follow Allana on twitter @AllanaHarkin where she’ll be tweeting about the low plunging neck lines and spray tans at the Oscars.

* For the purpose of full disclosure I read the book twice and went to see Elizabeth Gilbert talk.  I have a crush on her.

**Does Julia Roberts have stock in Netflix?  She’s in every second movie.  Then again, I also have a crush on her as well.  In fact, if I was to make a list of who I actually have a crush on the list would be 95% women.

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