Warning: spoilers all over the place.
Edward: Well, it looks like I’m the only Twilight cast member left to discuss Downton Abbey. Jacob ran off to sea with Black Jack Sparrow, and then Bella and Alice went into hiding with New Moon Edward and the Incredible Hulk.
Reboot Mr. Sulu: Who are they hiding from?
Edward: Some teenagers who came over to play Minecraft. They all smelled like Axe.
Four-inch Darth Vader: Teenagers! They will not escape my wrath.
Edward: If by wrath you mean your breath, then yes, none of us will escape it.
Four-inch Darth Vader: Oh, sorry. It’s really hard to brush my teeth through this mask.
Edward: So I’d like to thank our new guests for coming in on such short notice. We have Harold as Mr. Sulu from the 2009 Star Trek reboot, Darth Vader, Nicolas Cage as Ghost Rider, and our dear friend Robert “Iron Man” Downey, Jr. Nic, I see you brought your flaming head.
Ghost Rider, a.k.a. Nicolas Cage: That’s right, I have one normal head and one flaming head. I’m bi-head-ual.
Harold, a.k.a. Reboot Mr. Sulu: My name’s not really Harold. It’s John.
Nicolas Cage: That’s confusing. Is that what Kumar calls you?
John, a.k.a. Reboot Mr. Sulu: His name’s not really Kumar. It’s Kal.
Nicolas Cage: Next you’re going to tell us you went to McDonald’s instead of White Castle.
Robert Downey, Jr: Is there a point to this?
Nicolas Cage: My real first name is Marlon Brando.
RDJ: Ah, there it is. So, can we talk about Episode Six? I have to be at a La Leche League meeting in half an hour.
Edward: Let’s do it.
RDJ.: First of all, I want to talk about Cousin Matthew’s sudden ability to LEAP OUT OF HIS CHAIR.
Nicolas Cage: Dude.
RDJ: Yes, dude?
Nicolas Cage: Dude. Are you implying that his miraculous healing of the spine was in any way unbelievable and far-fetched for Cousin Matthew?
RDJ: That’s exactly what I’m implying.
Nic Cage: Where is thy faith?
RDJ: Why are you talking that way?
Nicolas Cage: In what way are you describing?
Four-inch Darth Vader: *hhhhoo-HHRRRR*
RDJ: Like everything you say has been translated into Japanese and then back into English.
Nicolas Cage: I am sorry. I am not yet familiar with the ways of your planet.
Four-inch Darth Vader: I find your lack of idiomatic comprehension disturbing.
Edward: If I can just jump in here, I feel as though Matthew’s sudden recovery left me kind of divided. On the one hand, people are misdiagnosed all the time. It’s not like they had MRIs in 1918. Medicine was more art than science.
RDJ: Go on.
Edward: But then part of me is all, really? REALLY? Now he’s just walking around and ready to be guilted into marrying the wrong woman again?
RDJ: And then they’re all, Oh, no problem, doctor, we won’t betray a whiff of mistrust in your opinions ever again, why don’t you come and possibly misdiagnose our entire staff? They’re dropping like flies and the lady of the house has blood pouring out of her nose.
Edward: And then he tells them to take aspirin! Did they even have aspirin back then? I thought it didn’t become widely used until the 1940s.
John-Harold Mr. Sulu: You’re thinking of penicillin.
Edward: Oh. I guess I should know that.
RDJ: I love the way they did a switch-back with your expectations, though. You think Cora’s on her last breath, with O’Brien dying to confess and be forgiven for being a horrible soap-dropping, miscarriage-inducing asshole, and then who dies? Spineless fiancée!
Edward: Freeing Matthew to marry Lady Mary, right? But no!
RDJ: NOOO! Because grief-stricken former-cripples have a heightened sense of tragic destiny. Clearly.
Edward: But Mary can never leave Sir Richard, right? He’ll use his newspaper to ruin her.
RDJ: Yes, because nothing inspires trust between a husband and wife like blackmail.
Nicolas Cage: When you say marry and Mary, they sound just the same. It’s very confusing.
Mr. John-Harold Sulu: The thing that’s been irking me is the whole Sybil-and-the-driver storyline. That dude just looks mad all the time. Why would Sybil, who’s the super-nicest sister — why would she dig a guy like that?
Edward: The only thing that makes the Sybil storyline reasonably believable is if you believe the whole birth-order theory. Sybil, being the baby of the family, would be the one most likely to break tradition and run off with someone her parents disapprove of.
RDJ: I think it’s because the guy’s political, he believes in something larger than polishing wheel wells all day. Sybil doesn’t want to waste away playing cards and getting her hair brushed, she wants to be involved in life and here’s a guy who can lead her right into the heart of the beast. Nineteen-twenties Ireland was probably a minefield in every sense of the word.
Edward: He is a bit of a bore, though.
RDJ: Oh, I completely agree. They have zero chemistry. But she’ll probably run off and get instantly pregnant anyway.
Nicolas Cage: Where I come from, the females impregnate themselves. Males are a pure aberration.
RDJ: That explains so much.
Edward: What else do we have. Lord Grantham kissing the new maid?
RDJ: Saw it coming. Kind of sad she didn’t get knocked up, but oh well.
Edward: Daisy being continually miserable in the presence of her dead husband’s grieving father?
RDJ: Daisy should fall in love with him and give birth to her own nephew.
Edward: Disgraced housemaid giving away her bastard child to her dead seducer’s parents?
RDJ: This is only temporarily tragic, mark my words. There’ll be a viewer uprising if this ends in anything other than rainbows and pony rides.
Edward: Bates getting arrested for the murder of his ex-wife?
RDJ: He didn’t do it. But he might have paid someone to make it look like an accident.
Mr. John-George Sulu: If he paid for that, dude needs to ask for his money back.
RDJ: I doubt post-Edwardian thugs gave out money-back guarantees.
Nicolas Cage: I like pony rides.
Four-inch Darth Vader: Your powers are weak, Ghost Rider. You should change heads. It worked for me.
Nicolas Cage: Whoa. Is this what the Dark Side feels like?
Four-inch Darth Vader: Yes, my son.
Nicolas Cage: It’s not that dark. I can see my house from here!
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