It is with a heavy heart that I set my DVR to record the last episode of 30 Rock tonight. I don’t know how they’re going to resolve the seven seasons of happiness they’ve brought me, but in the spirit of the ending of Animal House I thought it would help ease the pain of separation to think about what might happen to the show’s main characters after the 30 Rock set has been struck.
Liz Lemon: Adopts twins, then finds she’s pregnant with triplets. The ensuing financial and emotional strain causes her husband, Chris, to sneak the babies out to audition for a Sears commercial. When Chris admits to Liz what he’s done, and that the casting director found one triplet to be cuter than the others, Liz creates a fake online profile to seduce the casting director and then doesn’t show up for their first date. Burnt!
Jenna Maroney: Gets her own talk show on Lifetime called Fake It ‘Til You Undertake It doing makeovers on transgendered people in dead-end funeral-industry jobs. As an unlicensed life coach, Jenna helps them find the careers of their dreams by helping them to dress for their ideal jobs. In the first episode, she encourages a young man who hopes to get a job in a zoo to incorporate more animal prints into his wardrobe, with disastrous results.
Tracy Jordan: Becomes head of the Knuckle Beach High School’s A/V program. His first official act is to set a curriculum of shows that consist entirely of Grand Guignol, marionette cockfights, and inter-species baby wrestling.
Kenneth Parcell: Ascends into heaven. Midtown experiences a plague of locusts.
Jack Donaghy: After disabling a man armed with weapons of mass destruction in line for a pretzel in the food court at Newark Airport, Jack gets nominated as Obama’s Secretary of Homeland Defense. He accepts with the condition that he be able to address the president as “comrade,” and that his entire staff be required to wear tuxedos after six p.m.
Thanks to my husband for giving me the idea for this post after I melted down on the couch.
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