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Ellen Seidman

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Ellen Seidman is a magazine editor, web content developer and award-winning writer. She blogs at 1000 Perplexing Things About Parenthood for Babble, as well as at Love That Max. Ellen lives in the New York area with her husband, two kids and assorted dustballs.

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1000 Perplexing Things About Parenthood, #23-#36

By Ellen Seidman |

23 Has anyone in the history of the world ever pushed their kid on a swing so high—after repeated and insistent “HIGHER, MOMMY! HIGHER!” requests—that it’s actually gone over the top? And wouldn’t that serve that kid right?

24 Why hasn’t anyone invented a talking diaper? “No worries, it’s just pee!”

25 Does brushing a squirming, wailing two-year-old’s teeth as you’ve got her in a headlock actually do any good? And will she someday require therapy for that?

26 Guess How Much I Love You is a classic and all, but does anyone else think Big Nutbrown Hare is kind of a jerk?

27 “I didn’t break that, Mommy!” and other 100-percent transparent lies kids tell. Like, do they think we’re dumb?!

28 Now that the space shuttle program is over and NASA has all that time on its hands, maybe it can figure out how to channel kids’ screeches and use them as an alternate fuel source or something?

29 Is it just me or do Cheerios sorta taste like cardboard puffs? Shhhh, nobody tell the kids.

30 Why is it that on days when you go on errands smelling like Eau de Spit Up you bump into every single human being you know?

31 Are teachers purposely trying to torture parents when they give you a list of 28 school supplies to buy, including ones such as (TRUE STORY!): “Smead translucent hard plastic folder: size 13 ½ x 9 7/8. Color: Purple, but not blue or yellow. It has a 2 corner elastic holder and is not what’s called an ‘Expanding folder.’ They are also called ‘Expanding Wallets’”??? OMFG.

32 Is it wrong to hope your child doesn’t finish his mac and cheese so you can have some? (Not that I know anyone like that.)

33 And is it also wrong to choose your child’s playdates based on whether or not you want to hang with the mom? (Really, I don’t know anyone like that.)

34 And is there a place in hell for parents who kill their children’s pet fish because they forgot to feed them for a week? (I SO do not know anyone like that.)

35 Why is it that the second you give away one of the kid’s toys, she’s asking for it the very next day?

36 When’s the edition of What To Expect: The Why-The-Hell-Did-I-Decide-To-Become-A-Parent Years coming out?



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About Ellen Seidman


Ellen Seidman

Ellen Seidman is a magazine editor, web content developer and award-winning writer. She blogs at 1000 Perplexing Things About Parenthood for Babble, as well as at Love That Max. Ellen lives in the New York area with her husband, two kids and assorted dustballs. Read bio and latest posts → Read Ellen's latest posts →

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10 thoughts on “1000 Perplexing Things About Parenthood, #23-#36

  1. re: #31 — at least your kid’s school didn’t require you to buy an iPad. that’s right. an iPad. b/c that’s what we’re dealing w/ with regard to our 4th grader. their school has decided that each of the kids are gonna navigate their ENTIRE curriculum through their iPad.

    it’s a private school, so on the one hand, they can ask whatever they want of their student body / parents. yet on the other, we don’t have to like it (nor do we have to enroll our kids their in upcoming years…).

    even so, i’ve had so many educators tell me that this is something that we’ll be so thankful for. i suppose we’ll wait and see. right now i’m just having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that my daughter has an iPad while neither of her parents do. (at least we can borrow hers, right?)

    great list. looking fwd to next installment…

  2. Brendis says:

    I can relate to so many of this parenthood toughts,specially the What the hell was I thinnking when I decided to become a parent! it comes to mind quite often!

  3. momsheffield says:

    Thank you for my much needed daily dose of funny :)

  4. Amy says:

    changing the clocks AHEAD 30 minutes, cause they can tell time now, just so they’ll go to bed!!! no? In the middle of the night sitting on the toilet seat either falling in, or rising with a wet arse! because they forgot to clean the seat tinkle…. ( I have boys)

  5. Adrienne says:

    The school supplies! For the love of God, what is up with those lists? And seriously, HOW MANY PENCILS CAN ONE CHILD USE? Pretty sure that one gross of pencils for 9 months of school is a bit excessive.

  6. Buddy Schaefer says:

    What is perplexing to me is why we spend so much time picking out middle names for our children. By age eight, everyone has a variation of the same middle name “I need, I want, or I must have”.

  7. Abby says:

    What? #31. I AM a teacher and I cannot imagine asking for that. How can a teacher have that much time to be that specific? How can she expect a parent to have enough time to hunt that down? I’m grateful when my kids bring a pencil! And #32….Do you know me?

  8. Janine says:

    I’m not a parent but I totally know what you’re talking about when you mention the school supplies. 10 million pencils. What do they think, money grows on trees?? And we didn’t even use half the stuff!

  9. Cat Perry says:

    Ellen, I’m laughing out loud and sharing this on FB! Every morning and night I literally “wrestle” with #25 and ask myself, is this doing more harm than good? LOL!

  10. Jamie Helper says:

    I choose play dates SOLELY on the basis of whether or not I want to hang out with the parents and am not the least bit apologetic.

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