16 Things I Forgive My Kids For

…the let's-see-what-can-go-down-the-toilet experiments. But they owe me $259 in plumber bills.

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…repeatedly telling me that I am a "mean mommy." How do I know I am not a mean mommy? BECAUSE I SAID SO.

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…the post C-section disaster area formerly known as my abs.

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…regularly crashing in our bed and being the de facto birth control.

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…the flash poop-storm that destroyed granny's antique quilt comforter.

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...the Yo Gabba Gabba obsession. Even if it did last two whole years. I sincerely hope it did not cause brain damage.

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…all the times they've gotten me sick. Once, during the winter I inexplicably got strep throat three times, the doctor explained kids can be "carriers." Better me than them. But, ouch.

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…the times when they've gotten upset and said "I don't love you!" I know they do, of course. I didn't take it personally. Well, maybe just a little bit and maybe I snuck into the bathroom and wept but really, no matter.

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...those times when they said "I love Daddy BETTER!"

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...the pregnancy indigestion, all those nights I couldn't sleep on my belly (or sleep at all), and 19.5 hours of labor. Because, wow, what a parting prize.

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…those times they accidentally jabbed me in the eye with a finger or stick or other invasive object, socked me in the gut or kicked me in the shins. Too bad moms can't file for compensation for disability caused on the job.

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…the fact that I spend more money on their clothes than I do on my own.

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...using my sleeve/skirt/pants/hair to wipe their noses. My germphobia is now totally cured. Thank you, kids! Thank you!

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…the extreme public tantrums (you know, the ones that make you cringe because you feel certain people think you are a child abuser).

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...all the mornings they've woken me up at 5:30 a.m.—and the perma-dark circles beneath my eyes. Where would the concealer industry be without children, I ask you?

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…it all, because no matter what I am in awe of them and love them more than words can say. But I kinda do miss my abs.

Things my kids need to forgive ME for.

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