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Everyone’s Got Junk: Funny things kids say about their genitals (and yours)

"I AM TOTALLY READY TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION."

Last week I wrote a piece about my kid and how he likes wonder aloud about licking things. For example, his penis. And I thought I was alone in this kind of incident, stranded out at sea with a shipmate who has plenty of unintentionally raunchy things to say and no shame whatsoever.

But it turns out (thank you, Lord)  that quite a few of you other parents are in this boat with me. And honestly, it has restored my faith in humanity. Or, well, humanity’s interest in their junk. Below is a little slideshow of some of the best — er — worst things our kids have said to us.

 

 

(Note: None of the children in the slideshow are the actual children who said any of these things, although I’m pretty sure they’ve said SOMETHING that’s made their parents want to die a little.)

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  • But we didnt get any more specific than that 1 of 12
    But we didnt get any more specific than that
    My daughter asked if I had a "giant vagina". Naturally I answered, "yes". — Allana
  • EXACTLY the word we were hoping youd use 2 of 12
    EXACTLY the word we were hoping youd use
    My two-year-old daughter is obsessed with boobs and has some funny speech thingamies so it comes out boo's as in "Mama's boo's. Daddy's boo's. My boo's". In an effort to correct this and avoid public embarrassment, we told her that, no, Daddy and M have chests. She patted her own and, tongue twisting, proudly said, "My's tits!" — Kate
  • The only logical next move 3 of 12
    The only logical next move
    My son (two at the time) caught me coming out of the shower. We shared an awkward moment, and then he said, "Now dance!" — Dina
  • And theres also a penis chair in the corner! 4 of 12
    And theres also a penis chair in the corner!
    My daughter once gave a tour of our new house and proudly pointed out the built-in ‘vagina cabinet.' (Personally, I'm just glad we don't have enough of them to actually necessitate a cabinet.) — Korinthia
  • If only everyone would do this, wed know which way to run 5 of 12
    If only everyone would do this, wed know which way to run
    My son will yell out his body parts, mainly when they make noises. For example he passes gas and yells, "My butt!" — Betsey
  • The worlds most humbling anatomy lesson 6 of 12
    The worlds most humbling anatomy lesson
    My just-turned-3 daughter is at that stage where she has to point out lots of thing about private parts, for example: To her grandfather, pointing: "Papa, you have a PENIS." To her 7-year-old brother, just out of the shower: "B, I like your PENIS. Where did you get it?" To everyone, all the time: "Mama, you have a ‘GINA. Daddy, you have a PENIS. I have a ‘GINA. You don't have a ‘GINA." — Laura
  • No. Just no. 7 of 12
    No. Just no.
    My almost-3-year-old daughter surprised my hubbs in the shower and before he could move, asked if "it" was a hotdog and could she have one. — Amber
  • Lalalalalalalalala! 8 of 12
    Lalalalalalalalala!
    My daughter calls nipples, "nibbles." Funny now. Something I don't want to know in ten years. — Ari
  • Kids got a punchline problem 9 of 12
    Kids got a punchline problem
    My then-4-year-old son, during Christmas dinner, told the following jokes, back to back, to mixed and largely unamused company: 1. Q: Why did the vagina fart? A: Because it was too fat. 2. Q: Why did the penis get a present? A: Because it was so good. — Max
  • Which totally isn’t awkward for anyone 10 of 12
    Which totally isn't awkward for anyone
    We have a 3-year-old daughter, who has told SEVERAL people that mommy has really big boobies, but she doesn't have boobies yet because she's just 3 and isn't big enough yet to grow them. — Tasha
  • And no, thats not the same thing as a prince 11 of 12
    And no, thats not the same thing as a prince
    At age 3, my son once told us that he was a "princess with a lovely penis." — Stephanie
  • Why yes, young grasshopper, I do 12 of 12
    Why yes, young grasshopper, I do
    My son told me, "You have bigger balls than I do because you're older." — Lori

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