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F U Valentine's Day!

I’m not what you would call a romantic. I know, crazy right? A woman who doesn’t get giddy over flowers or melt over long walks on the beach? (p.s. I don’t love short walks on the beach either). I’ve never attempted to talk a man into ballroom dance lessons and I have never ever bought a Blue Mountain Hallmark card to let calligraphy tell my husband how much I love him. I giggle at words like “soul mate” and squirm uncomfortably at the suggestion of “sensual massage.” I’m not going to apologize for the way I am.

I’m not totally unsentimental. I appreciate the splendor of a waterfall – I just don’t need to honeymoon near one. In fact I didn’t even go on a honeymoon. WHAT? It’s true. Didn’t need to, we’d already been together for four years at that point. But I did conceive a baby a few days after my wedding right at home in our very own bedroom.

I’m sure it won’t surprise you to know I dislike Valentine’s Day. Forced sentimentality is just not my thing and I hate the pressure. In fact, my worst Valentine’s Day ever was with the man I love. My very first Valentine’s Day with my future husband was almost our last.

We started dating in August so we’d been together about seven months and he wanted to make our first V-Day special. Jon took me to one of my favorite restaurants, a little undiscovered Italian joint in a little strip mall which I normally loved for its intimate ambiance. But because it was Valentine’s Day, it was jam packed. The tables were so close together that we were practically eating our linguine and clam sauce in the laps of the couple next to us.

My future husband felt extremely self conscious about talking while it was almost like we were sharing a table with strangers. Unfortunately, he was so self conscious that he couldn’t even tell me why he wasn’t really talking. So I had to guess. And I guessed that he just wasn’t that into me. I don’t have a whole lot of confidence at the beginning of a relationship. So anyway we basically sat there in silence punctuated only by me trying to make conversation and Jon seemingly completely uninterested in joining me. What a blast. I kept pushing though BECAUSE IT WAS VALENTINE’S DAY ASSHOLE! And the more I pushed the more uncomfortable he got until we finally left and had a massive argument in the parking lot.

Jon was angry and hurt that I couldn’t see he was having such a tough time and I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just deal with it. The bottom line is I blame Valentine’s Day. I blame it for crowding restaurants and making the price of roses go up. I blame it for possibly causing dozens of break-ups. On the other hand, it probably gives Taylor Swift plenty to write songs about.

This year, Jon and I will be celebrating Valentine’s Day by doing nothing -totally my choice. He will buy me flowers anyway because he loves me and that’s what he does but we will wait to do any actual celebrating of our love until next week when we celebrate our anniversary. So I guess I’m not totally against the celebration of love.

If you’re like me and don’t like to do Valentine’s Day the amateur way, here are some alternative ways to feel close to your man that don’t include dinner, flowers and fighting.


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    Spend the evening accusing your spouse of being attracted to that new person at their job.
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    Snuggle together on the couch and watch Mystery Diagnosis or Strange Sex (there was just a great episode about "hidden penis" disorder).
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    Do your own thing in separate rooms sending each other occasional tweets or emails.
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    Tell your mate that you have an STD and then when they get upset say "just kidding!" Unless of course you do have one then…cat's out of the bag.
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    Skip dinner and just make a baby!
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    Groom each other's back hair.
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    Hire a babysitter, get a hotel room and take a nap.

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