Fake Interviews With People I Hope I'll Never Meet: Crazy Sports Dad

Amalah: Greetings, sports fans. Today we’re talking to Crazy Sports Dad about the troubling trend of parents going batcrap insane from the sidelines of their kids’ sporting events. So welcome, Crazy Sports Dad!

Crazy Sports Dad: What the…where’s my microphone? I came here to yell into a microphone! What kind of interviewer are you if there’s no microphone? GET IN THE CAR, TIMMY. WE’RE LEAVING.

Amalah: Well…this is kind of just for a blog. Also pretend. But I’ll be sure to transcribe your quotes accurately and…

Crazy Sports Dad: Oh my God, look at that kid. LOOK AT THAT KID. You call him a ballplayer? Why is he in the game while mine’s on the bench? GET IN THE CAR, TIMMY.

Amalah: Um, that’s just my baby. I couldn’t get a sitter. You realize we’re at a Starbucks, right?

Crazy Sports Dad: (starts clapping, for some reason) Alright, alright, alright, good call. I’ll give you that one. GET OUT OF THE CAR, TIMMY.

Amalah: So, I actually wanted  to talk to you about parents behaving badly at their children’s sporting events. Just recently, a father bit off a coach’s ear at a sixth-grade basketball game. Why do you think some parents fly off the handle like this?

Crazy Sports Dad: Listen, I may not be the coach, but I know stuff, okay? I’ve got EYES, okay? I played baseball in high school and I was varsity and I coulda played in college but I hurt my shoulder but I STILL know better than that no-talent doucheclown they’ve got coaching this team and YEAH I SAID IT, YEAH YOU HEARD ME. Yeah, go ahead and have Jaiydyn bunt, that kid couldn’t hit a slow-moving meteor but if you tell my kid to hit a sacrifice fly next inning I will hunt you down and murder you in your sleep.

Amalah: Are you…talking to me? Or the barista? I don’t…

Crazy Sports Dad: (Gives the “I’ve got my eyes on you” signal to a nearby carafe of half-and-half.)

Amalah: Okay, can we at least talk about the example being set for the kids? That verbal abuse and even violence is acceptable, at all, ever, much less over a game? I’m not saying we have to fall into the “everyone’s a winner! everyone gets a trophy for showing up!” trap, but aren’t some parents really missing the point of youth sports? Teamwork, sportsmanship, trying your best?

Crazy Sports Dad: Oh, so you’re one of those. Listen, my kid is a winner. If he doesn’t win, I’m not gonna act like that’s worth praising or “just as good because he tried” or whatever. That’s crap. That’s crap and it’s destroying America. If my kid doesn’t win, I’m gonna do the right thing and…

Amalah: So this is about traditional masculinity for you? Or more about modern parenting in general? Or…

Crazy Sports Dad:  …blame his failure on somebody else. Anybody else. His coach, the referee, his stupid teammates, or the old guy who mows the playing field on Wednesdays. Because if they did their job right, my kid would win. It’s that simple and ALL RIGHT THAT’S IT, I have had enough of that *#$ing #$@#$s incompetent moron over there…

Crazy Sports Dad: (gets up, lunges at the carafe, attempts to strangle it) WHY IS YOUR LID NOT SCREWED ON PROPERLY? HUH? YOU MADE MY ICED COFFEE OVERLY MILKY! STOP LEAKING, YOU SONOFA…

Amalah: Okay! So this was great, but, I’m gonna leave now. My kid’s got karate at 4, anyway. Plus the manager just called 911, I think.

Crazy Sports Dad: GET IN THE CAR, TIMMY.

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More from Amalah’s West:

Journey to the Center Of the Mall Santa Universe
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Article Posted 4 years Ago
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