Amalah: Welcome back to another exciting installment of Fake Interviews With People I Hope I’ll Never Meet, in which I pretend to sit down and chat with figments of my imagination. This week I am talking to a mother from Toddlers Wearing Tiaras While Tantrumming, or whatever that show is called. I don’t know. I’ve never actually watched it.
Reality TV Pageant Mom: …
Amalah: Oh, no worries! I totally did some research. Like, 10 years ago I saw that Living Dolls documentary and also I watched this on YouTube.
Amalah: I assume that pretty much sums it all up?
Reality TV Pageant Mom: Majaydelyn, get your shoes and put your fake teeth back in. We’re leaving.
Amalah: No! Wait! I swear, I’m not a hater. I actually think your show sounds amazing.
Reality TV Pageant Mom: Thank you. It’s truly been a wonderful experience for the world to see…
Amalah: Like Hoarders-level amazing! Like after I watch that show I have to go clean my fridge. Every. Time. I sense watching a marathon of the pageant shows would be like that. Only with more hugging of my children and continuing to resist the urge to hot-roller their hair.
Reality TV Pageant Mom: *scrolls through cell phone contacts, mumbling something about firing a booking agent*
Amalah: But hey, I’m not judging.
Reality TV Pageant Mom: Well, people really do have a lot of misconceptions about pageants. We’re only doing this because Majaydelynne WANTS to do this. She LOVES to do this.
Amalah: Hmm, so this YouTube clip of her screaming and crying while getting a spray-tan is…?
Reality TV Pageant Mom: Unfair editing. What you didn’t see is the part where MaJaidalyin got burned by a curling iron. But she’ll tell you it’s worth it, because she just really wants to be a star.
Amalah: You know, I don’t doubt that. When I was four years old, I wanted to be the world’s first female ballerina princess astronaut. My mom told me I needed pants under my tutu and sent me back outside to play.
Reality TV Pageant Mom: Listen, I’m not pushing her. I’m not exploiting her. I’m not living vicariously through her like every single one of the 10,528 comments on YouTube claim. I am helping Mayjadelynson achieve her dreams.
Amalah: Of being Miss America?
Reality TV Pageant Mom: Oh my goodness, that’s completely unrealistic. Hardly ANYONE becomes Miss America. And you’re supposed to use the money for college, or something. No, we’re aiming more for a reality-TV franchise of our own. Something like the Kardashians, maybe.
Reality TV Pageant Mom: You’re judging. I can tell you’re judging.
Amalah: No, I’m not. Much. I guess I don’t quite get how — as genuinely fun as these pageants may be — you are able to ignore the glaring problems with encouraging little girls to seek fame for fame’s sake, to allow them to be judged (at sexualized, adult standards) on their looks? Why not insist she wait until she’s older to let her decide if being a “star” is what she wants, or to develop a talent that doesn’t involve parading around in a dress and makeup? Why put her on TV in a format that’s guaranteed to invite mockery and…wait, what’s that?
Reality TV Pageant Mom: Oh, just a little homemade something I make to keep her energy up.
Amalah: Your four-year-old…doesn’t have enough…energy? This is a problem that…exists?
Reality TV Pageant Mom: Oh, don’t worry. A little Red Bull mixed with Mountain Dew and a Pixie Stick will perk her right up!
Amalah: Okay. Now I’m judging.
Reality TV Pageant Mom: MacJadeLyneveahson! Come drink your go-go juice, baby!
Amalah: *sorts through notes* Hang on, could you tell me how to spell your daughter’s name?
Reality TV Pageant Mom: I have no earthly idea, anymore.
Amalah: And…we’re done here. Thanks.
(Got an idea/request for a future Fake Interview subject? Let me know!)
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