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Fake Interviews With People I’ll Never Meet: Martha Stewart

Amalah: Hello again! I’m SUPER excited about this week’s fake interview, you guys, because instead of inventing some fuzzy composite of a mostly-fictional person, I’ve gone and booked a real live celebrity! Martha Stewart has agreed to come to my home and give me some organizing/decorating advice. And by that I mean I just found a back issue of Martha Stewart Living magazine under the couch and there’s a photo of her on the cover.

Martha Stewart: Great style at home! Ideas for every room! Martha’s favorite sandwiches!

Amalah: Oh, awesome. I’m glad you’re as excited about this as I am. Because I could really use some help getting organized.

Martha Stewart: Create your dream craft room in a single weekend!

Amalah: Wait, craft room? Is that…a thing? That people have? I was hoping more for advice about the living room, but…

Martha Stewart: Wallpapering shelves adds a pop of colorful personality that can easily be extended via handmade lampshades!

Amalah: Again, if we could maybe dial back the ambition a little bit. See, my kids have a ton of ugly plastic toys and since I can’t wallpaper the exersaucer, do you have tips for families about finding style amid the Fisher Price chaos?

Martha Stewart: Saturday morning project: Colorful hand-cut stencils make organizing your kids’ toy drawers easy and adorable.

Amalah: Ooh! I like it! So I just need to buy…drawers?

Martha Stewart: (Well, yeah. It’s the first thing on the supply list. “Drawers.”)

Amalah: Hmm. Okay, two problems, right off the bat. One, I think I would need approximately 16 dozen of these “drawers” to make a dent in our clutter. Two, I am not confident in my ability to sketch and cut my own whimsical toy-shaped stencils.  The last time my kid asked me to draw a picture of a train he took one look at it, patted me on the arm and said, “That’s okay, Mommy. Daddy will be home soon. He’ll know what to do.”

Martha Stewart: Festive ideas for the Fourth of July, plus the perfect beachfront dinner.

Amalah: Why are you changing the subject? We haven’t even talked about the Legos yet. Oh my God, the Legos.

Martha Stewart: This alfresco summer lobster menu really brightens up a boring steamed lobster in a way that is sure to delight your guests.

Amalah: I’m starting to remember why I didn’t renew my subscription.

Martha Stewart: Take a tour of Martha’s Bedford kitchen, page 48.

Amalah: Wah!

Martha Stewart: Mismatched wicker baskets from Ikea embrace an eclectic, laid-back style, and a green garbage bag of quarantined stuffed animals is a playful reference to the lice outbreak at your child’s kindergarten…wait WHAT?

Amalah: HA HA I CAN MAKE YOU SAY ANYTHING I WANT. THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER. NOW I’M GOING TO WATCH DIY NETWORK WHILE EATING ICE CREAM ON THE COUCH.

Read more original flavor Amalah
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Check out her writing at MamapopAlphamom

More from Fake Interviews from Amalah’s West:

Crazy Sports Dad
Reality TV Pageant Mom

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