For the past several weeks when people have asked how I’m doing, I’ve been able to say, “It’s hard, but it’s not scary–Ian’s still just training down in Louisiana.” But now I’m scared.
Listening to the news about the shootings at Ft Hood on the radio while running errands with the kids yesterday was unsettling to say the least. My husband spent time at Ft Hood during his last deployment, but this time he’s at Ft Polk. I never considered he might be in danger while still in the US. Now I don’t know.
I felt the strange, conflicting pieces of emotion I remember from last time. There is a low level sense of fear that is always present when my husband is deployed that is impossible to shake. It’s like a stalker. I’m supposed to go about my life and not worry my kids, but I have the sense that I should be looking over my shoulder. What I’m afraid I will see if I do is uniformed soldiers with grim, sympathetic faces telling me they have bad news. It mkes me want to scream.
Yesterday I had to pick up a package in a place I was unfamiliar with and I got lost. Quinn was asleep and the girls were playing in the back. I try very, very hard not to ever yell at them to be quiet when they are simply having fun, but I was on edge. The sketchy bits of information about Ft Hood on the radio were not really informative, only frightening. I kept telling them to keep it down, please, but Mona is incredibly squeaky. When one of them accidentally clocked the other in the eye and there were wails and shouts from the back seat, I yelled at them to look out their respective windows and not talk to each other for awhile. I told them I was sorry for yelling, but I needed quiet until I figured out where we were going.
There is no reason for them to know what happened at Ft Hood because it doesn’t have anything directly to do with their dad. I’m not even sure why I’m as nervous about it as I am.
I do know that I have the same guilty feelings as before, whenever I found out that soldiers in Iraq who were hurt or killed were not my husband. There is relief in knowing someone you love is safe, but grief that someone else is suffering. I feel like a horrible person for being glad it was someone else, and not Ian. I don’t know what to do about that.
My heart is breaking for those soldiers’ families today. What a nightmare.