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Gone With the Wind: The Great Smelt It, Dealt It Debate

Gas stationSome things can’t be explained by faith or science, like angels or gravity, and we are forced to accept, or not, based upon our own personal experiences with them. It’s pretty heady stuff.

Other things are easier to prove. Consider the fart. They weren’t, and then they are — and then they are gone again, but we all acknowledge their existence. We all comment on their passing.

Farts can be found everywhere. You can find them in nature, elevators, waiting rooms, dugouts, bathtubs, airplanes… the list is as long as places there are. It’s a safe bet that anywhere people have been, the fart was right behind them.

There have even been farts on the moon (83.3.% lighter!). Talk about your giant leaps.

And let’s not forget that the fart knows other culprits as well, from the scapegoat dog to actual scapegoats. Animals fart, too, and they are even less considerate of those around them than Uncle Benny and his traveling “pull my finger” trick.

To be fair, I’ve got to hand it to Uncle Benny, the finger pull is a classic, and while it isn’t usually appreciated at the dinner table, it is always a hit with its intended audience, which, for the record, is children, and not “anyone within smelling distance” or a tired nephew with his mouth open. I’m a grown man, Uncle Benny! Cut it out.

Kids, however, are the best at farts. Not only are children able to fart on a moment’s notice, but they also seem to have an endless supply which is always readily available.The other great thing about kids is that they take complete ownership of what they bring to the party, but at the same time they honestly appreciate the work that we put in, too. They know a good fart when they hear one. Smells may vary.

Farts are a fact of life. True story.

We all agree so far, right?

Then if farts are everywhere, and every person, dog, and scapegoat expels them on a regular basis, how is it that there are still people in this world that deny they ever do, have, or will fart?

I may or may not be talking about my wife.

To say that one does not fart is a big, stinking cloud of denial, and it can’t be healthy. It fact, it could be downright explosive.

So why is it that some people, often women, feel the need to pretend they don’t exude the food, as it were? They don’t even get the vapors anymore.

I tend to lean toward an all people are equal view of the world, and the right to fart is just as important as any other —  to suggest otherwise only adds to the pressure.

It is starting to worry me. The body is a beautiful thing, especially yours. Yes, yours. And the idea that someone feels the need to hide what it is their body makes and creates, well, that’s just not right. People should be proud of who they are and what they just did.

I guess what I’m saying is, “I know it was you.”

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