Grandmom's Rampant Gift Giving

Merry Christmas, everybody! Jake, June and I headed up to Baltimore to spend Christmas with Jake’s family. We had a blast — lots of good food, laughter, commotion, and games. Jake is the eldest of six, and most of his siblings have children of their own, so his parents’ house tends to get very busy around holiday time.

Every year, Jake’s Grandmom, who is probably one of the more loving and generous women I know, presents everyone with a large plastic storage bin packed really, really tightly with gifts. I’m talking a minimum of 20 gifts each for every man, woman and child present. And she doesn’t do one bin per family or even one bin per couple — everyone gets their own Tupperware bin of Christmas cheer.  It’s Grandmom’s signature Christmas move — burying loved ones with tchotchkes, weird whatnots and random doohickeys for the home, regardless of taste, desire or necessity.

I don’t know if it’s because she came of age during the Depression when knicksknacks were scarce, but Grandmom equates quantity with love; the more loot you receive, the more you’re loved. Evidently, we’re all loved very, very, very, VERY much. Nor can this rampant outpouring of love be stopped. A couple of years ago, one of her children asked her to please, for the love of Christmas, ease off the unbridled gift giving, and Grandmom has reduced the size of the bins to a more manageable shipping box, but the sheer volume of gifts from Grandmom is still through the roof.

Here is just a taste, a mere sampling of some of the more inspired presents we all received from Grandmom this Christmas. (We love you, Grandmom! There’s no one like you. We wouldn’t trade your rampant gift giving for anything!)

  • A Money Belt 1 of 8
    A Money Belt
    Also known as a proud member of the Fanny Pack family. Wear it well, Uncle Mark!
  • A Christmas Gift Soap Dispenser 2 of 8
    A Christmas Gift Soap Dispenser
    This one isn't so strange -- I know plenty of moms, aunts and grandmas who display such knickknackery at holiday time -- until you consider it was presented to an unmarried male.
  • A Dashing Fleece Headband 3 of 8
    A Dashing Fleece Headband
    When I look at my husband wearing this headband, I think of a hunky ski bum at Breckenridge in the 80s. Jake doesn't ski.
  • A New Calculator! 4 of 8
    A New Calculator!
    Surely, Uncle John can find some use for this. (I wonder if he'll trade me for my mycological spoon rest?)
  • A Fancy Mini Coffee Set 5 of 8
    A Fancy Mini Coffee Set
    Does this man look like he drinks anything mini or fancy?
  • 3 Flavor Popcorn Tins! 6 of 8
    3 Flavor Popcorn Tins!
    After I've eaten my way through all that yellow, brown and beige scrumptiousness, I can do like Liz Lemon and use the empty tin with the handy cardboard divider as a closet organizer for my footies, scrunchies and wrist guards.
  • Corny Humor 7 of 8
    Corny Humor
    This is a joke book that reads like it was written by Bob Hope's second cousin, the one who never quite made it. Sample joke: Why do male deer need braces? Answer: 'Cause they have buck teeth.
  • A Mystery Mirror 8 of 8
    A Mystery Mirror
    We couldn't figure out what this mirror attached to a long arm was for until we read the tag: It's a rear view mirror for wheelchairs. Last time I checked, my husband wasn't confined to a wheelchair. I guess this is one of those "it's the thought that counts" moments. Thanks, Grandmom, for the thoughtful forecasting.


Jessie blogs at Rurally Screwed. Check out her books Rurally Screwed and Tart & Sweet

Article Posted 3 years Ago
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