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Monica Bielanko was born and raised on the wild frontier of late 1970's Utah. She is a recovering Mormon who once went to see an unknown band from Philly and married the guitar player a few weeks later. She's been married to her Babble Voices writing partner, Serge Bielanko, for the past nine years. Along the way they have practiced and perfected the dark arts of couch dining, clandestine boozing, bambino wrangling, wide-open domestic warfare, and modern love. Her personal blog, The Girl Who was in the top ten of last year's Top 50 list. In addition to Babble Voices, Monica is featured on Strollerderby and Pregnancy.

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Hello, I Love You, I’m Pooping! (10 Things I Never Thought I’d Let My Husband See)

By Monica Bielanko |

To pee or not to pee? THAT is the question...

 

I know the date of the first time I peed in front of my husband.

Oh sure, I’ve yelled at him to pull over during long trips and I’ve skedaddled to the back of the car to pee alongside the highway, but he couldn’t see me.

But the very first time I allowed him to view me availing myself of the porcelain facilities was March of 2006. A full year-and-a-half into our marriage. I know because I blogged about it:

CLICK HERE TO READ 10 THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D LET MY HUSBAND SEE (OR HEAR)

Before I got married, I declared I absolutely WOULD NOT be one of those girls that performs all manner of bathroom ablutions in front of their betrothed. Peeing publicly was a right strictly reserved for my gaggle of girlfriends, particularly on those drunken nights out with the gal gang. And up until yesterday, I’d kept up my end of the pee pact. I’ve never seen The Surge pee. The same can’t be said for boyfriends of yesteryear, but I’d hoped to maintain some sort of mystique for my husband. He is forced to observe me in all manner of compromising positions anyway, must he bear unfortunate witness to peeing too?

I’m certainly not embarrassed to pee in front of him…he’s seen me expel all manner of vomit in the most atrocious way possible (filling the cupholders in my truck to the brim on the way home from the FOX Christmas Party 2004) Yes. I did. It’s just that…the pee pact was an unspoken one…a gallant affording of respect from one spouse to another.

And most certainly if anything MORE than pee needs to be eliminated, I’m all about running the water, coughing strategically to mask any unpleasant splashing that may echo from our very small, acoustic bathroom, reverberating horrifyingly throughout our size small apartment.

But now our silent pee agreement is broken and it was I that pissed it away. Much the same way I can’t reclaim my virginity, I can’t go back.

Eight years into our marriage I look back and laugh at silly old me bemoaning the broken pee pact. Anyone who has been married for more than a few years knows that any mystique marriage holds in the early years is out the window quicker than I bolt from the room should Serge unleash his inner gasses nowadays.

Speaking of inner gasses, that’s the first thing on my list of 10 things I never thought I’d let my husband see (or hear) me do.

What do you think? Are these things all just part of living and loving or are there some things each individual should just keep to themselves? What I really want to know is, if your husband witnesses you pooping, is there a slow but steady decline in attraction or does he not give a *ahem* sh!t?

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Things I NEVER thought I'd do in front of my husband

One-Gun Salute

I never thought I'd issue the ol' butt burp in front of my fella, but, well, sometimes they slip out, you know? And if you happen to be sitting next to your man on a leather couch in a quiet room the sound can be a little louder than you anticipated. But listen. At least I have the good sense to roll down the window in the car if I happen to float a particularly raunchy air biscuit... UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I COULD NAME.
Photo Credit: istockphoto.com

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About Monica Bielanko

monica-bielanko

Monica Bielanko

Monica Bielanko was raised on the wild frontier of late 1970's Utah. She is a recovering Mormon who married the guitar player of an unknown band. She's been married to her Babble Voices writing partner, Serge Bielanko, for the past nine years. Her personal blog, The Girl Who was in the top ten of last year's Top 50 list. Read bio and latest posts → Read Monica's latest posts →

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24 thoughts on “Hello, I Love You, I’m Pooping! (10 Things I Never Thought I’d Let My Husband See)

  1. Kate says:

    Wait, some women don’t have nipple hair? That’s as rare as a unicorn!

  2. Sarah says:

    I am guilty of all of the above…except ear cleaning. But I have cleaned my man’s ears before…I just havent needed help with mine yet.

  3. Robyn says:

    I pee in front of my bf – but have yet to poop or PURPOSELY fart. I do talk about poop a lot. And gross pregnancy/birth stuff. I have had him help my pluck my nasty thick chin whiskers. It is what it is… if it grosses him out (which I have yet to do) then too bad?

  4. madel says:

    Oh yeah! guilty! hahaha.. but not all of those.. never done. but most.. i think only one i haven’t done… and yes madam women does have nipple hair.. count me in… and yes i poop in front of my husband. Gross we poop together.. ew.. yes it’s true. it happens when both of us had this very terrible upset stomach, and in our old apartment we only have one toilet. and he cannot hold it any longer while i am still pooping.. gross.. very gross. but we did it.. hahahaha

  5. Belinda says:

    Nothing mentioned is really that gross… you live with someone all the time they are bound to see or hear this stuff! And we’ve had two kids via vaginal births so he’s seen it all really, including the (we never mention) poop while pushing out child. Also, I would have bad pains if I had to hold in a fart instead of just letting nature take its course ;-)

  6. Rosana says:

    Hahahaha, you all a cracking me up!!!!!!

  7. NoNipHair says:

    Sorry I do not have nip hair. A lot of these I have done though. lol

  8. nina says:

    Wooo! I’m uncomfortable thinking about a couple of those, but Hey! What ear cleaner did you use? I have no problem letting the “innernets” know I have ear wax or something clogging the works! Over-sharing extravaganza, begin!

  9. Mary Rouse says:

    When my husband and I were dating, we were in a motel room and quite tipsy. During a romp, while he was thrusting, about 3 to 4 loud, nonsmelly (thank God) farts eased right out. For awhile after that, I was still quite shy to let loose like he did. I use to hold it in and try to go to the bathroom or just walk away to another room. He knew I was very shy.
    One time while still dating, he busted in the bathroom and asked me why I keep closing the door. My stomach tightened up that I could not even continue to go. He told me that if I didn’t go, he was going to keep coming in the bathroom until I do. Now, there have been times that I have had to go while he was in the bathroom and we had to take turns.
    I pop his pimples but use to struggle with letting him see me pop mine, or even see me with one at that.
    I have to say that I experimented with many of the things up here by my husband letting me know that I was safe with him. ( Minus the ear cleaning; other than q-tips) I can proudly declare that I can now use public bathrooms because of my husband.

  10. Jennifer Sorbara says:

    I have two children and my ex watched them both, I have IBS and let me tell you you know a man loves you when he hds your hand through an attack, I am the worst and I mean worst sick person in the world (I immediately return to 2 years old and cry for my mommy), I also have panic attacks wich require someone to hold me while I punch them repedidly because I am not coherent enough to understand what I am doing. He put up with all of this and more, I say people that love you don’t mind going through life with you good bad an ugly that’s what they sign off on.

  11. Jennifer Sorbara says:

    Ps no nipple or facial hair :)

  12. A friend says:

    Wait. Is the errr menstrual one about THAT cab occasion? Forgive me for asking. Long time reader. Oh sheez. Sorry. Read it then, and thought fuck yeh, go you! Now, looking back I can see why you changed your mind!

  13. Patty Gatter says:

    Well, I don’t know about everyone else, but for some reason if I am in the bathroom everyone needs me urgently, even the dog. If I lock the door then everyone stands at the door banging so I don’t even bother to lock the door anymore. I do however make everyone leave when it is that time of the month. TMI?
    Patty Gatter, Owner
    http://www.HarperGraceBaby.com
    http://www.HarperGraceMaternity.com

  14. No way sister says:

    OK, I have to say I have never done these things in front of my husband & I never will (God willing). Nor have I seen him do any of them. We’ve been married for 5 years, it’s not happening. That’s what bathroom doors with locks are for. There is absolutely no reason for us to do these things in front of each other, it’s gross. Keep a little mystery ladies!

  15. Lex says:

    I don’t have nipple (or facial) hair, I’ve never pooped in front of my husband (Hell, I wouldn’t be ABLE to poop in front of him! Just knowing people are in the house while I’m pooping makes it difficult enough – I have to sacrifice a chicken, do a Gregorian chant and get high just so I can relax enough to defecate, but I digress…) so I def could not do that in front of my hubs. He has helped me clean my ears out, but that’s not that gross, is it? I love getting blackheads out of his ears and off his back, but then, I love him and he’s sexy! I wouldn’t do it for the gross dude in my high school who had a crush on me (or anyone else ;)

  16. [...] I think this post is way scarier than the photo you’re about to see but that’s just [...]

  17. acai says:

    Things I NEVER thought I’d do in front of my husband

  18. Angela says:

    i am very happy today for what God used doctor Zaza a great spell caster to do in my life. i had misunderstanding with my husband in the past and so it led to us breaking up for 3 years but one day i saw a post of Mrs Rebeca who posted on the internet that Doctor Zaza a great spell caster helped her with a spell that brought her Husband back so i decided to contact Doctor Zaza the great Spell caster to help me and he assured me that my Husband will come back to me luckily today i am very glade to write on this wall that Nick my husband has come back to me as the great spell caster Doctor Zaza said. Do you have a problem with you Husband, boy friend, girl friend, relations or in your office and you think you have lost them?worry no more because Doctor Zaza the great spell caster can help you just as he helped me bring my Husband back okay. contact Doctor Zaza today via email: indiaspellcaster@hotmail.com

  19. ketina says:

    My name is ketina, i want to shear my testimony on how Dr otumbar help me to get back my husband who left me seven months ago.
    I was Married to a man called Justine, we have been married for the past seven years now and no problem between me and my husband, but eight months back now my husband suddenly change, and be against me, but i am still confusing cause i did not no were i have don wrong, but really i love him and we already have a male child and i can not just leave him and go with the child, then i try so hard to make sure that i get him back, i have contacted so many spell caster but they were not been able to help me, a little girl of 16 years old who Dr Otumber also help to get her boyfriend back refer him to me, and also gave me his email address, i mail him but i did not get a respond from him on time, after some time i get a respond from him and when i get a respond from him them i explain every thing that is happening between me and me husband to him and he promise to help me out, he told me what to do and also what will be use in casting the spell, then i provide everything he ask of me, after three day time my husband who did not want to see me near him come to me and go on his knee begging me for forgiveness, i have no choice than to forgive him, since seven months now we have been together with more love and respect, please you will need to get a solution from him in any kind of your problem, he will also help you out in getting your ex lover back to you, please email him now on: otumbarspellhome@gmail.com
    email him now he will help you out, again here is his email: otumbarspellhome@gmail.com

  20. Mrs. Santana says:

    i am giving this testimony cos l am happy

    My name is Mrs. Santana Valdez from Houston,taxes.i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once. when i went to Africa in June 28th 2013 this year on a business summit. i ment a man called DR COCOMA He is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love’s gone,misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you, bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job.i’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 2 years… i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job. so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him..at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. and in 6 days when i returned to taxes, my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married..i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do… well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid,and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better. in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help, email address cocomadevil.666@gmail.com

    Great DR COCOMA i thank you very much thank you in 1000000 times.. if not you i would have been losted and wasted thank you. Email Him Through his email address… cocomadevil.666@gmail.com

    please make sure you contact him for any financial difficulties okay..

    What a powerful man such as DR COCOMA.. he is so much powerful..\\ email him for any difficulties.. cocomadevil.666@gmail.com

  21. mary says:

    i am hear to give testimony of how i got back my husband, we got married for more than 9 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do,i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted DR COCOMA for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 1 week my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still live me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that he DR COCOMA casted on him that make him comeback to me today,me and my family are now happy again today. thank you DR COCOMA for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact cocomadevil.666@gmail.com and you will see that your problem will be solved without any delay.

  22. Jennifer says:

    Its so amazing love can be and what you get when you don’t expect. I cant share my story here. but i ahere to confess about how i love my man and how he loves me so much than before he walked away from me and didn’t want to do anything with me.I wanted him so much and couldn’t do with out him. I had to get him back to my life by all means. A friend directed me to Dr. OLA who now help me to bring him back, I really appreciate the good work he have done for me, he is a good spell caster. I am the most happiest woman on earth now.. i am so happy. If you need his help you can contact him on olalovespell@yahoo.com As I am happy I also want you out there to be happy. olalovespell@yahoo.com

  23. BESTIE says:

    HELLO I just wanted to say thank you so much for doing this for me and many others. At the beginning of the break up I felt like I would never love again and that my life has ended. Thanks to all your advice, I now have the courage to face every new day. My heart has healed tremendously and I feel like I can now really move on. If it wasn’t for your words then I would probably still be in that dark place of my life. Thank you, thank you!”drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail. com

  24. Mary says:

    Having sex would be one of them for me…

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