This isn’t easy to write.
But, I’ve been thinking pretty hard lately about that phrase ‘meant to be’, you know, and after some careful consideration, I’m not all that sure that me and my wife Monica are that.
‘Meant to be’, I mean. I’m not positive that our marriage and our love affair is all… like…., ‘meant to be.’
Does that sound cruel to say that?
I hope not, because I’m not saying that we don’t love each other; we do. And I’m not trying to imply that our bond isn’t as realistically real as yours or the next couple down the pike, either; it more than likely is as real as whatever else is out there.
I guess what’s bothering me mostly is this. Say we weren’t exactly ‘meant to be’, does that mean we messed up? If you weren’t so quick to call your marriage or your relationship ‘meant to be’ does that mean you,…(gulp)…you’re with the wrong person?!
Or rather, as a man or a woman in a long-term monogamous thingy, are you always supposed to say that you and your significant other were, in fact, ‘meant to be’, thankyouverymuch: because that is part of going along with the whole damn complicated program.
It’s such a loaded term in a way, isn’t it?
“Meant to be.”
Meant to be what?
If that was the case, well then I’d have to say,” You’re damn straight we were meant to be, buddy….and hand me two of them side-by side burial plots too, while you’re at it!”
Or is the term supposed to imply that as a couple in some phase/any phase of our love story, we were ‘meant to be’ perfect together? Does it mean that we are supposed to literally be squirting ultra-positive Kool-Aid out of our temples like blood while we clamp our eyes shut as tight as we can and convince ourselves (and the world!) that we are consistently happier than pigs in shit?
Because if that’s the case then I would submit to those of you out there sitting upon the Intergalactic Jury of Cyber Aspersions and Hastily Concocted Judgements that you might as well just save yourselves some precious time here. You might as well just move on along to your next case because I readily admit that I am ‘perfect together’ with no one on this planet Earth or for like the next four or five planets out there.
Still here, huh?
Okay, hold on a sec.
You know, maybe ‘meant to be’ is really some sort of fairy tale b.s. , right?
I mean, could ‘meant to be‘ possibly be that cold slug of beer so often paired with the hot shot of cultural whiskey known as ‘happily ever after‘? Is a lot of what we daydream about when it comes to relationships and love and marriage and forever-ness maybe just a boilermaker of our own fantastical propaganda?
Are we all just dreamers drinking the backwash of our wishes?
Or is meant to be’ simply something that is true for a lot of people? And if so, can you love someone forever even if you weren’t exactly ‘meant to be’?
I don’t know the answers to any of this.
I really don’t.
But, even though I am not so sure that my marriage, that our marriage would qualify us for a couple of “Meant To Be’ stickers for our matching sweaters anytime soon, I keep on staring down the barrel of the cold hard questions. I ponder the state of my own love affair and a lot of times I come up gasping for air, when I probably should just be kicking back with a pale ale on the couch and not giving a damn about the world at large, or about the greater definition of ‘us’.
Oh well. It is what it is until it ain’t anymore.
I guess in the end though, people like me and her, we only ever wanted to ride the rides, you know?
Even after they shut the park down, after they killed all of the lights and let the cotton candy go cold, all we ever wanted to do was sit there on the silent roller-coaster in the dark, listening to the crickets, staring up at the stars a million miles above us, just because we weren’t supposed to.
And who the hell knows; maybe that’s what ‘meant to be’ meant after all, huh?
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