Let’s be honest here, the chances of you and your better half jet-setting off to some magnificent hotel in some sophisticated far-flung corner of the globe this Valentine’s Day are about as good as the chances of you waking up tomorrow morning and discovering a tight new six-pack down where your Pillsbury dough belly was when you hit the hay last night, right?
So, here’s my realistic plan of escape and romance for you two exhausted lovebirds.
You ready? Okay, here we go…
1) Buy a bottle of wine or two in advance. Get something a little out of your range…like in the ‘More Than 8 Dollar Range.’ And make sure it’s a bottle, not a damn box. Have them hidden under your bed.
2) On your way home from work that night, pick up some nice food that you ordered. Make it something she or he really loves. It can be a sausage pizza or it can be Thai or whatever. Just make sure that it’s something your ‘schmoogums’ really loves and make sure they know that you’re doing dinner, so they don’t double up on it.
3) If you have a nice little present for him or her, have that waiting under the bed with the wine, already wrapped, with the card already written out. Don’t be sneaking into the bathroom with a pen and some tape to do the job minutes before you’re presenting the thing. That’s tacky as hell. Trust me, I’ve done it tons.
4) When you get your coat off, give him or her a big smile and maybe a hug and say, “C’mon, kid” and lead him or her to the bedroom. Once there, crack the wine, serve up a little cheese and crackers if you want, or some expensive caviar, I don’t care. Have a glass or two before you eat, just the two of you.
5) Now that you’re both a little loose and tipsy…put on this slide show I made for you.
6) Serve the food as you sip some more vino and look at these decadent hotel rooms.
7) Pretend you’re both there. Together.
8) Even though you’re not there, you are together right where you are. That counts for a lot. So look at these outlandish places where some rich mofo is spending their Valentine’s Night and laugh and ooooh and ahhhhh at it all. It’s funny, isn’t it. Life is funny. You two don’t need to be anywhere except where you are right now.
9) Tell him/her that he/she looks really sexy. And they smell divine. Then giggle. Then let them sip some pf your wine from your favorite Barney Rubble cup.
10) May the force be with you.
Top Image: roblurted.com
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