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He Sees You When You’re Sleeping: 13 Reasons Santa Might Be A Vampire

A couple of years ago, when the second Twilight movie came out – the last Twilight movie I saw, I think – it’s hard to keep track of these things – I argued that Santa Claus was in some respects similar to Edward Cullen (note: if you are unfamiliar with Edward Cullen, none of what follows will strike you as funny or interesting or make any kind of sense whatsoever. Do with that information what you will). Sure, the Santa of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – the one who sees you when you’re sleeping, who knows when you’re awake – might be said to possess some of the same I Peek In Your Bedroom Window Because I Love You qualities as Edward the Sparkly and Obsessive Vampire, but really, Santa? A glittery, red-lipped stalker? Who’s been known to chase down reindeer? Who has a penchant for cold? 

You see where this is going.

I was totally on to something. I feel obliged to share it with you now, in 2011, because, seriously.

Santa might totally be a vampire.

Let’s review the evidence:


  • 1. The Night Stalking 1 of 14
    1. The Night Stalking
    Edward loves Bella, and so he lurks around her bedroom at night, watching her sleep and listening to her mumble sweet-nothings about her secret dreams and desires. Santa loves the children, and so he remote-watches them while they sleep and eavesdrops while they mumble about visions of sugarplums and then, when the time is right, he sneaks into their houses and then back out again without making a sound. Edward and Santa are both skilled in the dark arts of benevolent stalking. Disturbing? Maybe. But when was the last time you told your kids that you wouldn't be letting Santa in the house because love means never watching people when they're sleeping?
  • 2. The North 2 of 14
    2. The North
    Edward has been known to hang out in the far North. Santa lives in the far North.
  • 3. The Cold 3 of 14
    3. The Cold
    Santa and Edward and, you know, vampires in general? They like the cold.
  • 4. The Deer 4 of 14
    4. The Deer
    Santa keeps deer. Edward hunts deer. They are both deer aficionados, if you will.
  • 5. The Infrequency Of Daylight Appearances 5 of 14
    5. The Infrequency Of Daylight Appearances
    They don't usually make appearances in the daylight/sunshine, unless they really want to create a stir. You know what would have freaked out those Volterra crowds even more than a half-naked Edward leaping out from the shadows and sparkling in the sun? A half-naked SANTA leaping out from the shadows baring his blindingly white belly to the sun...
  • 6. Disliked By The Volturi 6 of 14
    6. Disliked By The Volturi
    ... and then the Volturi would have killed Santa, too, for sure. (Look, I don't know for SURE that the Volturi have anything against Santa. For all I know, they totally celebrate Christmas and hang stockings and leave out carrots for the reindeer. But I am pretty sure that that if Santa pissed them off, like Edward did? They'd kill him. COINCIDENCE? You tell me.)
  • 7. Very, Very White 7 of 14
    7. Very, Very White
    Santa and Edward are both white. It's not, like, politically incorrect to point this out, is it? (Okay, granted, Edward looks a little taupe in this picture, but that's just the sepia. Edward photographs better in sepia. Yes, that's a little precious of him, but he IS a 100 year old virgin* vampire, so.) *(A little less virgin since Breaking Dawn, but still.)
  • 8. Very, Very Sparkly. 8 of 14
    8. Very, Very Sparkly.
    Okay, so Santa is maybe more twinkles than sparkles, but whatever. Light is REFRACTED.
  • 9. Affection For Elf-Like Creatures 9 of 14
    9. Affection For Elf-Like Creatures
    Both Edward and Santa have happy, dancing, elven-like beings in their households. Okay, so Santa has actual elves, and lots of them, and Edward only has the elf-like Alice, but I think that Alice stacks up against a whole crowd of elves any day. She could certainly eat a whole crowd of elves any day.
  • 10. Kissable, If You’re Into That Sort Of Thing 10 of 14
    10. Kissable, If You're Into That Sort Of Thing
    I'm just sayin'. Somebody has almost certainly composed a song that contains the lyrics "I saw Mommy kissing Edward Cullen/Underneath the mistletoe last night." That somebody might be Stephenie Meyer...
  • 11. CRAZY Fan Girls, OMG 11 of 14
    11. CRAZY Fan Girls, OMG
    There are - what? - eleventy thousand Twilight Moms in North America, any number of whom, you just know, have Edward stockings hung by the chimney with care, right next to the cookies for Santa, who, did I mention? Sneaks into houses at night.
  • 12. Care About Teeth 12 of 14
    12. Care About Teeth
    That Christmas carol about asking Santa for two front teeth for Christmas? TWO FRONT TEETH? Come on. If that's not code for make me a vampire, I don't know what is.
  • 13. SPARKLY NIGHT WALKERS YOU GUYS 13 of 14
    13. SPARKLY NIGHT WALKERS YOU GUYS
    Did I mention? Both Edward and Santa are SPARKLY DENIZENS OF THE NIGHT. YOU DO THE MATH.
  • 14. Crazy? Maybe. But They Make People Happy 14 of 14
    14. Crazy? Maybe. But They Make People Happy
    Edward and Santa are both, end of the day, figments of imagination (MAYBE), and stories about them make people happy. And if they both spread some variety of happy (Edward-inspired happiness is, for some women and maybe some guys, too I'M NOT JUDGING more of a kind of tingliness, but let's not interrogate that right now) and/or can be used to intimidate recalcitrant offspring into submission then I, for one, am all for it. Sure, I might laugh at you a teeny bit more if you have an Edward stocking than I would if you wear Santa-print jammies or have multiple elves on the shelf, but there's still be a part of me, in both cases, admiring your commitment to the fantastical, sparkly, God-bless-us-everyone-even-the-vampires spirit of Christmas. Now I'm going to have to go rethink the Grinch. He was probably a Volturi.

 

Team Christmas, I salute you.

(Team We’re Totally Not Not Fantasists About Christmas Or Any Other Holidays Either, Really – well, happy Santa-less, vampire-free, zombie-void holidays to you, too. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.)

 

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