Show Me Where the Brats Are
I recently came across an interesting article in The New Yorker by Elizabeth Kolbert about why American kids are so spoiled, which seems to be Topic A among anxious parents these days. I love reading such articles because they satisfy my innate sense of moral injustice while providing evidence-backed reasons (for the most part) why modern children are such wienies.
Kolbert lays out a couple of compelling reasons for the brat epidemic (I’m not going to delve deeply into those reasons when you can read the article yourself) and I’ve added some highly subjective, anecdotal analysis of my own:
1. Children are deluged with more stuff than at any point in human history — gadgets, toys, clothes, video games, Pottery Barn Kids (which manages to single-handedly keep the monogramming industry in business). Kids even have their own specially marketed food (I’m talking to you, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets!). The experts say this is because parents seek their kids’ approval, a reversal of the way it used to be when young Reginald supposedly craved nothing more than an accepting glance from his austere papa.
That’s all well and good, but I posit that it’s also because parents themselves are deluged with more crap than at any point in human history and naturally offload some of that largesse to their offspring. A logical remedy seems to be, let’s all of us stop buying so much stuff and watch our children’s dependence on it drop accordingly.
2. Moms and dads are more interested in being their child’s friend than their parent. Being a parent means saying “no” pretty much all the time, and “no” in our soft-handed culture is often misconstrued as “mean.” And what well-intentioned, progressive parent wants to be mean? Shudder.
More than that, “no” carries with it the stink of curmudgeonly old age. ”No” is for people closed-minded to opportunity, to potential. “Yes” is for entrepreneurs and risk-takers and hot, 43-year-old moms in half-tops (werk it, MILFs!). ”Yes” is for the youngs. Why are parents so obsessed with being young? I’m not so sure, but I have a feeling Volkswagen Beetle commercials might have something to do with it.
3. Parents praise their kids for being “special” rather than useful. American parents are obsessed with raising “individuals,” and individuals, we know, are “special.” Parents praise kids’ most innocuous, mind-numbing non-milestones in the hope of bringing forth this elusive individual. (Wait, is that a syllogism? Does that make me special an individual?)
Experts say that if you really want to boost your kid’s sense of self-worth, make him clear the dishes and take out the trash and don’t get all glow-y about it. “Competence encourages autonomy,” Kolbert writes. “Which fosters further competence–a virtuous cycle that continues into adulthood.” And probably while he’s caulking the tub, too.
4. Parents are so obsessed with getting their child into the right college they don’t mind tying their shoes for them. The thinking here is that not tying Junior’s shoes leaves him less time to study for the SATs. So what if the child grows up to be in all other ways useless? That is what manservants are for.
I have a fifth reason Kolbert didn’t get into but I think has some merit.
5. People wait soo long to have kids. With few exceptions, all of my peers and friends, myself included, waited until we were well into our 30s to have children. By the time we all got around to it, we could feel good about having prolonged procreation because we now had the resources and maturity to raise them properly and responsibly and intentionally. But the flip side is that the gap between adults and children has never been wider; children can seem like a separate species, requiring their own special food and trinkets because we’re not really sure how else to relate to them. “You want me to play with you, Suzie? Um, how about a monogrammed towel instead?”
Like I said, I love reading these stories. I loved Amy Chua’s Battle Hymns of the Tiger Mom. I plan to crack Bringing up Bébé one of these days.
But the truth is, I don’t actually know any spoiled children. Okay, I know two, but the vast majority of kids I know are pretty sweet and normal — respectful, smart, helpful, funny, obedient (such a non-PC word). Whenever I read these “Kids Today!” stories, I can’t help but wonder who the heck are they talking about? What sort of FAO Schwartz-pod are these sniveling creatures spawned from? And why doesn’t someone give them a beat down?
It would be easy to say that I don’t know what I’m talking about because I live in rural Virginia, a pastoral paradise of old-fashioned values and apple butter festivals where grandmas willingly wield the wooden spoon. But my all my friends’ kids in and around Manhattan — ground zero of touchy-feely parenting — and Memphis and Missoula and Baltimore are pretty much the same.
So is this story really true? Are “kids today” bigger brats than ever? Or is this story more of a media creation, a way to rouse fear and anxiety in already anxious parents? Or is it a very specific and highly privileged demographic — Suri Cruise and her clicky golden heels comes to mind — that I don’t get to hang out with anyway?
Because from where I’m sitting, kids and their parents seem pretty much the same as they’ve always been — just people. With iPads.
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The small kids I know aren’t too terribly bratty, but that’s probably because they’re barely 2 years old, as a group. However, I find that the pre-teens I’m acquainted with are purely awful, on the whole. This is true of both the youth I know in DC and the ones in my tiny village in Upstate NY. And I can say this, as I was a spoiled kid (and frankly, a spoiled young adult). I’m pretty sure, though, and my parents will back me up – I was not as bratty as what I see today.
And with that, I have officially become my grandmother. Now, get off my lawn!
Love the post, Jessie! I love your 5 subjective analyses of your own but also your follow up. As a parent of 2 children ages 8 and 10, and a high school teacher in Princeton, NJ, I certainly have daily contact with the “brats” you and Kolbert describe, but I have to say, I really see almost none. The problem is not the kids, but the parents!
The job I have requires me to interact with both young people (teens, kids, etc ) and the elderly. I have to say that the elderly have a lot more issues with being rude and bratty than the kids and teens! I would much rather have to work with the younger folk than the elderly anyday, the irony of that being that most elderly complain about “Kids these days!”, when they are the ones who are typically assholes.
So funny….!
I think a lot of it has to do with the parents if I’m honest. Parents who care, who educate themselves on the subject of bringing up children (and by that I mean simple things like understanding the importance of simple things like a bedtime, not allowing your child to make every.single.decision and the importance of boundries – not following every new crazy parenting fad) tend to, in my experience, raise decent, well behaved children.
Those who teach their children that they are ‘entitled’ intentionally or otherwise, who do not set boundries, who think that their child is perfect and can do no wrong, they are the ones raising brats.
I teach, and I teach mainly inner city, low income children, but have taught more affluent families too. The difference is down to the parents. You occasionally get good parents with a very difficult child, that happens. But most of the time it is parenting that produces this kind of behaviour.
*steps off soapbox*
I completely agree! Most of the children I know (including my own!) are just lovely. Of course, they have their moments, but those moments are few and the rest of the time they are a delight.
FWIW, my grandfather was a) a delightful man and b) a very eminent scientist. He largely played truant from school until he was 10, blew up his mother’s kitchen with his chemistry experiments and never learned to do a single household task. Yet no one looking at his life would consider that his mother “failed” in some way. This topic is so overworked (but not by you!).
A lot of kids are spoiled, but it’s the parents fault, not technology. Parents these days are either to soft on their kids (in the case of the time out, no beating parents), but plenty of others are to hard on them (the ones who create extreme restrictions on technology and want them to spend most of their time reading or playing outside.) Both sides bother me because some kids are brats with an over inflated sense of self worth, and others get much less than what’s available to them, which can cause them to be ornery and overly jealous of other kids.
I sometimes think people are crazy when they say things like “parents need to set specific bed and meal time”. I mean I hope this doesn’t mean I’m a bad parent or that my daughter is going to grow up to be a dumb lazy serial killer. I work grave yard my husband works sometimes days sometimes swing. I don’t even have a specifis bedtime for me and my husband let alone our daughter. I guess I can see how it’s very inconsistant for her but with this kind of schedule does someone out there have a better idea? We spend as much time with her as possible(and hardly any “couple” time) feed her nutritious food, take her to art, gymnastic and dance classes. Is her feeding and bedtime “schedule” really that important?
I’m frequently appalled by how oblivious & inattentive young parents are today to the obnoxious behavior of their children in public. They evidently feel that if it’s not bothering them the rest of the entire world should tolerate it with an indulgent smile as well since: ‘they are just kids’, ‘need a nap’,'cranky-not feeling well today’, ‘can’t sit still this long’, ‘it’s my only day off work to get this done’, etc. They appear iinured to unacceptable behavior. We’ve traveled the US extensively the last ten years or so & it’s the same everywhere. I can only assume this author uses one of the above reasons to excuse it or is saying there aren’t really any brats, just bad parents. Regardless of her reason, children’s bad behavior is inflicted on us on a daily basis. Where are the brats, she asks? Running thru the aisles knocking into people-toppling products from end caps & checkout lines-crashing grocery carts into customers at the supermarket, screaming-crying fits anywhere & everywhere, throwing spitting food-using ketchup to fingerpaint on the table-standing on chairs-crawling under other people’s tables-trying to climb over the seatback into the neighboring booth in restaurants. I’ve seen parents permit their child to tear thru a crowded sporting goods store on a bike because of his incessant whining while they waited in a long line to pay for it, then act outraged when approached by the manager after dozens of shoppers complaints. Screeching kids at movies-concerts-plays-wedding ceremonies the parents either ignoring it or making more noise attempting to placate the child. Brats on cruise ships, nature hikes, tours, malls, I could go on & on.
Maybe I was a mean mom or a tiger mom, I don’t know. But our kids NEVER acted out in public, we took them everywhere & we didn’t need a ‘crying room’ at church either. I don’t know what the reasons are, why it’s so predominant now, or who’s to blame if anyone but DON’T attempt to say the brat infestation doesn’t exist. Because if you’re honestly not seeing it you’re either a hermit living in a cave or you’re one of the “oblivious’ ones.
Worth the read and left me with a satisfied smirk at the end! Thanks ツ
The author probably doesn’t know very many spoiled brats because her friends probably parent similarly to how she does. She probably wouldn’t be friends with them if they were the kind of people who let their kids run wild. But yes, there ARE spoiled brats in America, more so than in any other country I’ve lived in (on four different continents). Nowhere else have I seen children breaking things in stores and parents saying that it’s the store’s fault for placing it where kids could reach them. It’s ludicrous.