The 7 Dumbest Things I Thought Before I Had a Kid
Long before I became a parent, I remember standing on line at a grocery store watching in horror as some harried mom tore open a package of processed cheese cracker and thrust them at her screeching toddler in an attempt to get him to quiet down. She looked stressed and miserable. He looked smug and victorious, a fresh ring of orange cheese dust around his mouth. I remember thinking, Wow, that will never be me when I have kids. I will never raise a brat. I will never pacify my child with food and I will never, ever, ever do it with food that is processed.
Hear that sound? It’s the sound of the universe laughing.
Yeah, I had every intention of raising an all-natural, 100-percent organic kid who didn’t have meltdowns at grocery stores but then I forgot the part about children having wills of their own.
The first time my kid had a screaming fit at a grocery store, I tore into a package of radioactive orange Cheesums so fast I didn’t even realize I was abandoning all my progressive ideals and convictions (that came to me later as I wiped the pulverized cheese dust from her face). Parenting has been a series of similar comeuppances ever since – the universe’s way of bitch slapping me for my ignorance and arrogance over thinking I would be any different, more disciplined or enlightened than any other parent out there.
Here are seven parenting fantasies I harbored before I actually became one. Consider it required reading for any similarly delusional childless person.
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New parent delusion #1: Newborns sleep all day
Don’t laugh, but I actually thought I could keep writing from home with an infant at my feet. Ha! Ha! Ha! I don’t know where I picked this one up (sitcoms? Movies? People who lie?) and I’m sure some infants do sleep all day—but mine slept in twenty minute spurts with the rest of the day a blur of feedings, crying, changings, soothings, crying and more feedings. The only paid work I completed during this period was – prepare to be shocked -- absolutely none.
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New parent delusion #2: I'll feed my child only wholesome, all natural food
This delusion worked for a long time until June woke up one day and realized that pureed squash, spinach cubes and gently steamed bok choy actually sucks. It was just as well. I was burnt out trying to hand crank and hand pulverize every morsel that went into her mouth.
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New parent delusion #3: I'll make all sorts of cool new mom friends
I thought my social life would open up – really blossom! -- once I had a child. This never happened. I still have the same great group of girlfriends I’ve always had only I see them LESS now than ever before because we all have kids and no one has time to hang out anymore. (Or maybe they're just avoiding me.)
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New parent delusion #4: I will never pacify my child with food
And then I realized it’s not really possible to “pacify” a toddler with food — it’s simply called “feeding her.”
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New parent delusion #5: I’ll let husband and baby find their own way together without any nagging from me
I had every intention of following through with this one until my husband decided to take her for a ride on mini bull dozer (without ear protection) and give her a protein bar for lunch. If I’m a nag, it’s because I swear sometimes he's trying to kill her.
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New parent delusion #6: I will compliment my daughter for her abilities, not her appearance
I was determined not to a raise a daughter who seeks validation through her looks, but every time I open my mouth, out pours a stream of platitudes of the most superficial nature. “You are so cute! Ohmigod, your hair is so cute too. And the shoes! LOVE the shoes. Oh … yeah … and way to wrangle that chicken.”
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New parent delusion #7: I will never use TV as a babysitter
If only Pat Sajak wasn't the Pied Piper of children.
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I would add: I will never pacify my child with a cell phone.
After watching other babies repeatedly throwing their mom’s phone on the floor, I vowed I would never let my baby play with my phone. And now here I am giving my 1-year old a cell phone to play with so that I can brush his teeth without him wriggling and screaming. Never say never!
BTW, I can totally relate to you on #1. According to “the books,” I imagined myself catching up on client work while he slept (my baby boy arrived 2-1/2 weeks early and I have my own business so I wasn’t prepared for maternity leave). Oh, and I also thought he would nap quietly in a baby carrier while I caught up on emails/blogging. A big no on both accounts.
Thanks for a fun read!
Oh holy pureed squash, that had me laughing out loud. It’s SO very true.
HAHA! I thought my kid was the only one into Wheel of Fortune! He “ooohs” at Vanna White (we call her his girlfriend) and around 8 months he started saying “wheelwheelwheelwheel!”. Crazy little dude.
All so very true! Also I would like to add that I no longer judge other people’s kids and say that mine would never do that, blaming the parents. My first one was the easiest baby, but now has ADHD despite every effort to prevent and deny this. I didn’t even believe in ADHD! But he SOOOO has it! My second one so far is completely opposite. He is a wild baby, into everything, never holds still and has a temper. Kids just come out how they come out!
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so guilty of most of them especially the store one i have a one year old and a two year old and they know they get to me. kids will be kids
I had the opposite sleep delusion. Everyone told me we’d be up late and never sleep, but I slept through all that sleep deprivation and so did they. lol Not nagging at the daddy is hard but I just let him do his thing, because his ex ruined any relationship he could possibly have with his older daughters and alienating him from them. It’s bad for them and him. So I let him buy the four year old a KISS skate board and other obnoxious stuff, but I want them to have a pure relationship.
I think some of this is interesting… but coming from a ‘nanny’ and ‘teacher’ perspective I have some disagreements. I have seen, many times,kids act one way with their parents and completely different with others. They learn quickly who they can walk all over and who they can not. I have seen it over and over and over again, (and yes-even with infants). (as a side note: if you don’t own tv/pay for tv… you can’t use it to babysit)
Elissa,
You did not mention if you were a ‘mother’ also.
Jessie,
Thank you for writing publicly about what many of us think and do privately. I’ve realized as a parent of three under six and working full time shift work, that we are our own worst critics. It is not necessary to impress your neighbours and friends, but only yourself. If that means putting the TV on while you make dinner, then so be it!
Seriously. Wheel of Fortune is EDUCATIONAL!!!
Wheel of Fortune calms babies down??? Thanks for the tip! Getting sick of BabyFirst TV (yes, I know you found the g_ddamned acorn over there…again…)
OMG!!! I thought I was the only one with a newborn that took 20 minute catnaps! She’s 20 years old now and has FINALLY started sleeping through the night!
Of course, now she sleeps all day too! Thanks for the chuckles!
Hey, I learned the alphabet from watching Wheel of Fortune. No Big Bird here. I learned all about vowels, and leearned to read way early. Nothing wrong with the right TV shows