Here are MY Office Procedures!

I went to a podiatrist yesterday for the foot pain I’ve been having. That is, I went to the podiatrist after I finally got an appointment with my primary care physician because clearly, ordinary people like me could never know that foot pain requires a visit to a podiatrist unless they first lay down a hefty copay to their primary doctor so they can write “referred to a podiatrist” on paper. After paying another hefty copay at the podiatrist’s office, I was given a pack of papers to fill out. You know the papers I’m talking about. Every doctor’s office has the same ones: medical history, patient information, insurance information, HIPAA forms, etc. But do you know why we have to fill those out? No, really, do you know? Because I have no clue. Is it just an exercise in penmanship? Is there really a need for me to write out my address 6 different times? Why do I need to fill in all my insurance information when the receptionist has just taken my card and made a copy of it? After I filled out 5 sheets, the receptionist handed me one last page detailing the office procedures.

When I got to this part – “…charged a $20 fee for completion of a simple form and a $40 fee for completion of a complex form”, I shook my head. Then I headed back to the receptionist and informed her of my procedures.

“Hi. I just wanted to let you know that I also charge $20 for each simple form I complete and $40 for complex forms. By my calculations, you owe me $160 for these,” I said as I tossed the clipboard full of forms on the counter. “Oh and I’m sure you’re aware that my time is valuable. To that end, you will be charged a $20 fee for each 10 minutes I spend in the waiting room past my scheduled appointment time. Oh yes, I almost forgot! I also charge $10 for every minute I’m placed on hold when I call the office.” I slid a paper toward her.  ”I just need you to fill out your address here, here, here, here, and here,” I said indicating different spots on the paper. And then initial here, here and here, and sign and date it here. Thank you.”

She was less than amused.

Long story short – I have a plantar fasciitis again. I got a shot in my heel which feels exactly how you would imagine it would. Only worse. And I got a sexy boot to wear while sleeping to keep my foot flexed. The good news is that I’m positive I’ll forget all about the foot pain tomorrow. The bad news is that the reason the foot pain will fade is because it will be replaced with pain from the surgery I’m having on my veins in the morning. Apparently it’s a bad thing when a vein that is supposed to measure 3-5 mm actually measures 17.8 mm in diameter. Wish me luck, say a prayer, or just have a cocktail in my honor.

Want to read more from Dawn? Get her books Because I Said So (and other tales from a less-than-perfect parent) and You’ll Lose the Baby Weight (and other lies about pregnancy and childbirth) here!

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