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Houston, We Have a Problem

6185032739_2fc390d48dMen: Walk away now.

 

Ladies: Come closer.

Lately I’ve had a bit of an issue that has ebbed and flowed over the past few years. But recently it has become a glaring issue that takes my breath away: Babies. Or shall I say BABIES.

 

I cannot look at a newborn without everything getting all floppy and clutching my stomach. My heart aches when I see a baby. Any baby.  I’ve been smiling and waving at every toddler on the east coast. My body seems to think that a baby would be a good idea. My 29 ½ year old body thinks that time is running out. (Because bodies think. Obviously.) I think it might be in a panic of some sort. Like, if we don’t do this now it’s not going to happen. It doesn’t help that every time I turn to any sort of social media there’s a chubby cheeked cherub staring back at me.

 

Then there’s my head. My head is like HELL NO. NO. NO. NOOOOOO. Did I mention no? Because no. I don’t even want a child at the present moment nor do I want to be married or partnered. I want to be single and hog the bed and go to yoga at my leisure.

 

I want to sleep until noon on Sundays. That’s what I want.

 

But these bodies of ours, ladies. They are persistent. My insides seem to be preparing for something it thinks should happen post-haste because it’s “natural” and I have a uterus therefore a baby should be brought forth immediately. Thankfully, I’m one of those women who eventually wants children but not tomorrow or next week or nine months from now. I have a five year plan (the second I wrote that God let out a hearty laugh) that involves career and professional conquests and I’d like to stick to it. This plan does NOT involve getting pregnant.

 

So, my question is how do I make it stop? How do I shut that whole thing down? And please tell me that I’m not the only one this has ever happened to. Help!

*Photo courtesy of Heather Barmore. Baby courtesy of Amy Storch.

Keep the conversation going with Heather Barmore at Poliogue: The Art of Political Dialogue, Twitter and Facebook.

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