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How Christmas Nearly Ruined My Eye

Hahahahahahahaha. So. Previously, on Parenting Off the Map, I told the long, sordid, tragic tale of a man who was getting his butt kicked by Christmas Eve, letting it get to him, and going crazy. Think of this one as an update of that one.

The Christmas tree scraped my left eye. This was annoying, in a do-I-have-tree-sap-in-there kind of way. It was bothering me a little during the evening, and late, late at night as I assembled the kids’ gifts. But it didn’t feel too bad.

Ha! Hahahahahahahahahaha. So many laughters.

I woke up Christmas morning to laughter and love and hugs and presents and delighted children and happy wife, and also to a large translucent spot hovering in front of my left eye, shaped like a giant Jelly Belly and re-appearing after every blink. As the day went on, the spot interfered with my focus enough that I started to have a 3-D movie kind of eyestrain. A nap in the afternoon (I had been up until 4am assembling gifts) helped, and the vision problem didn’t return until later.

Boxing Day it was more noticeable. My wife asked me to go see the ophthalmologist (do you really need two L’s in that word?) if it wasn’t better in another day. She worried that I’d scratched my cornea. And as bad as it is to Google your symptoms, I think it’s even worse to complain about them using social media: EVERYONE IS A DOCTOR AND HAS HORRIBLE SCENARIOS TO SHARE WITH YOU. I started to worry about things like eye cancer and I don’t even know if eye cancer is a real thing.

It was better this morning, a little, but still noticeable. So I called the ophthalmologist (still looks weird with that extra L, doesn’t it?) and went in to see her. She made me stare at things and shone bright light in my eyes and dripped drops of drippy drops in there and dilated the hell out of my left eye so that I looked like this!

I had photographs taken of my eyeball, blinking away tears the entire time as I was told to stare at the end of a stick on the center of a bright light. I had my eye re-examined and then, back in a quiet, dimly lit room, the ophthalmologist (why? why is it there?) broke the news:

I totally DON’T have a scratched cornea.

No, what I DO have is a fluid build-up in my retina. Such a build-up is caused, she says, by, no, not Twitter, not blogging, not marathons of “How I Met Your Mother”…but by STRESS.

Stress? What would I have to be stressed out abo….Oh. Right. That.

I have an appointment with a retinal specialist next week. The problem should just go away on its own, if I don’t let myself get stressed out too much…

And here I just have to stop myself, because there is NO WAY I am going to be able to avoid stress for the next week. THE KIDS ARE OUT OF SCHOOL! I’m THINKING in ALL CAPS. I have things to do, places to be, and tiny “helpers” who will NOT STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

Parenting: It will give you the crazy eye.

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