How To Be Mom Enough

Just in case you didn’t know how to lift a baby.

I was originally going to call this post “Can Everyone Please Shut Up?” but then I realized I was ovulating which means I really shouldn’t be allowed near a computer or anywhere close to a youtube video that might make me express emotion.

I get a bit…let’s call it “testy” when I ovulate.  I talk to myself and have imaginary fights with people that are quite raging.  This is all good, because I can at least recognize what’s going on.  On reflection, I should really invest in a shirt that says “Please don’t come near me unless I gave birth to you.”

Which brings me to the subject at hand.  And please keep in mind I am ovulating and my body is yelling, “Bitch, fertilize me!” and I’m yelling back, “NO.  I’m shooting a TV series and I need to squeeze myself into a confining cop uniform until November!”

So.  The Time Cover.

Am I really going to engage in this conversation?  Because truthfully when I saw the cover, although I reacted in a few different ways, I thought to myself I am not getting involved in this ridiculous conversation.

But now I am (have I mentioned I’m ovulating?)

“That right…now stand on the chair…I know this is weird but we are selling magazines here young man. Okay great, now look to camera. Can you smile while you breastfeed? Because that would be better for us.” Art Director, Time Magazine

First, I laughed, mostly because the kid was standing on a chair with a ‘wtf?’ expression on his face.  There is no doubt in my mind this child has never breast fed while standing on a chair before.  This has art director written all over it. Then I felt jealousy over the fact that the mom doesn’t need to engage her knees to breastfeed.  In my world there was no limb not in use.  I got so used to not having use of my arms and legs that I learned to change the television channel with my forehead.  And lastly, I felt bad for the mom on the cover. As a person who has experienced press in my life I know full well the sinking feeling you get in your chest when you realize that they chose a picture you don’t like or quoted you in a way that isn’t exactly what you meant.  Maybe she liked the picture but I can only assume the *gasp* that escaped her lips when she saw the title “Are You Mom Enough?” on the front cover.  That’s just embarrassing, and believe me, not something they told her in advance.  I don’t care what kind of parenting technique you subscribe to, no mom wants to look like an asshole on the cover of Time magazine.

So.  Have you answered the question?  Are you mom enough?

Damn straight I’m mom enough!

I just bench pressed a stroller and threw in a few reps of a full diaper genie.

My dishwasher works just fine.  But I decided to hand wash every dish with soap that I made myself from dandelions and air dust.  How’s that for organic YO?!

I just started reading my two year old “War and Peace” – she hates it.  She cries every night begging for a book about a cow or a talking turtle but I have to ask her, “Do You Want To Be Kid Enough? Do YOU?”

She looks at me blankly.  Quite similar to the way I continue to look at that Time magazine cover.

Maybe I’ll shut up now. Care to join me?

p.s. Time Magazine.  It’s on.  I ovulate around the 17th of every month.  For your own safety, do not engage me or throw peanuts in my direction.

Check out previous posts by Allana:

A Mother/Daughter Moment

Hunter-Gatherer-Warrior-Mother

What Moms Should Never Have To Put Up With: The Worst Relationship Ever

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