I was talking with The Incredible Hulk as we were waiting for our kids to get out of school yesterday and he told me the most brilliant idea, and now I’m telling you because it’s Halloween and there’s a possibility that you have eight pounds of candy in a bowl by the door right now. (I have 10 pounds of candy by the door because the drug store panicked and put it all on sale early.)
Me: Are you ready for Halloween? Did you buy a lot of candy?
HULK: HULK GO TO COSTCO LAST WEEK, FILL CART WITH FUN SIZE SNICKERS.
Me: Wow, you must live in a busy neighborhood.
HULK: HULK HOUSE DESTINATION FOR WHOLE TOWN. HAUNTED HOUSE ON FRONT LAWN.
Me: Nice. What’s your costume this year?
Me: Not everyone can carry a basket with a doberman in it.
HULK: MARCUS AURELIUS GOOD DOG, NEVER BITE.
Me: I never know how much candy to buy. We’re in a new neighborhood this year and I have no idea how many kids will come up our street.
HULK: KIDS EAT TOO MUCH SUGAR.
Me: I know! We’re lucky, I guess, our son never eats much of his candy. We put it away and then everybody forgets about it and a year later we have a pillowcase full of stale Kit Kats. It seems like kind of a waste.
HULK: HULK TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. TAKE CANDY, PUT IN ZIPLOC SANDWICH BAGS, PUT IN FREEZER. THEN, WHEN GOING TO MOVIES, GRAB LITTLE BAG OF MIXED CANDY. SAVE MONEY ON CONCESSIONS.
Me: That’s genius.
HULK: HULK NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU, SINCE THEATERS NEED PROFITS FROM CONCESSION STAND TO STAY AFLOAT. HULK ALWAYS BUY POPCORN TO OFFSET MORAL IMBALANCE.
Me: I don’t know if it’s immoral . . .
HULK: SAVE QUESTION FOR ETHICIST. THIS HOW HULK COPE WITH CANDY SURPLUS. OPINION STRICTLY HULK’S OWN, HULK NOT SPEAK FOR DISNEY CORPORATION OR SUBSIDIARIES.
Horrifying photo collage by the author. Dorothy photo courtesy of the CBS Television Network; Hulk photo courtesy Universal Pictures and Marvel Enterprises.
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