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I Don’t Care About the Big Football Game

This weekend is Super Sunday, if you weren’t already aware of it. (FYI: The NFL forbids us to refer to “The Big Sunday Football Game” by its actual name, for trademark reasons. It also forbids us to look The Big Game in its super eye, or to stand too close to its super presence.) Anyway, last year I paid attention to the Game because Beyonce. This year? I’m just not interested. Actually, I’ve never really been interested. The only sports I really ever got into watching was cheerleading. What? IT’S A SPORT.

If you want me to get excited about a Big Televised Event, then give me the Tony Awards.

But admitting you don’t like football in today’s culture is almost like admitting you don’t have indoor toilets: It’s so counter-cultural it makes people suspect something’s off about you. But today I’m going public. I couldn’t care less about football. I’m not interested in the Super Football Competition. Here’s why:

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  • It’s boring. 1 of 5
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    Say what you will about the complexity of the game or the athleticism of the players, but all I see is a bunch of guys in enormous padding running into each other and knocking each other down. Then they get up, preen and strut a little, and stand around for about 40 seconds before they do it again. Seven seconds of knocking-around, then 40 seconds of standing around. FASCINATING.

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  • It’s meaningless. 2 of 5
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    You guys, people get SO WORKED UP over their teams. Maybe it's because I live in southern California, where L.A. hasn't had an NFL team for a long time. But the deranged fit-throwing and stressed-out couch-gripping and the unimaginable delirium because of what happened in the sports game with the players and the ball? IT DOESN'T MATTER. It doesn't impact your life. It shouldn't affect your emotions. It shouldn't make you pout. It shouldn't make you grouchy. I don't get it.

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  • It’s violent. 3 of 5
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    It's our national pasttime, and a big part of the draw are the huge hits that fans go crazy for. The kinds of tackles that put players on stretchers, or give them concussions, or cause untold brain damage long after their playing careers are over. It's hard to enjoy being entertained by this kind of thing. (If you haven't read about the NFL's concussion problem, check out the book League of Denial.)

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  • It’s an obligation. 4 of 5
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    Super Sunday parties are right there on the list of Things Americans Must Do, along with New Year's Eve parties and dinner on Valentine's Day. I get the feeling that if you're not sitting around a giant television eating unhealthy food with a bunch of random other people on February 2, then something's wrong with you. Never mind that the noise level means you can't hear the commercials (if that's what you're into) or the announcers' game commentary (if that's what you're into).

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  • It’s obnoxious. 5 of 5
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    The sexist ads. The skimpily attired cheerleaders. The overpaid players. The whining. The trash-talk. The negative, spoiled attitudes. Not to mention players' constant off-the-field transgressions. Look, I'm not some ivory-tower clutcher of pearls. But my kids are already exposed to so many bad influences in our culture. If they aren't interested in the NFL, that's totally fine with me. Because I'm not interested. Not. At. All.

    [source]

What about you? Are you interested in “The Big Superish Game”? Am I missing out on something for not getting the appeal of huge men knocking each other around and causing long-term brain injury for sport?

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