Dear People magazine, OK! Magazine, In Touch Weekly, NBC, CNN, ABC, CBS and any and all major news outlets, I have a news flash for you: I don’t care about the Royal Birth! Yeah, I said it! I don’t give a crap about the pregnancy and I’m completely baffled about why the world is on #RoyalBabyWatch in the first place. It’s hard enough to maintain interest in the pregnancies of people who live on my street let alone one happening to someone who doesn’t even live in this country! What’s up with the rest of us? Hey, we’re not British!
I just want to be able to walk into the grocery store and not be confronted with every magazine showing a picture of Kate Middleton. Every. Single. Magazine. It almost makes me long for stories about Kim Kardashian. Almost.
Just for the record, I’m not a heartless bitch. When my sister-in-law was pregnant it was sort of exciting to me. I enjoyed getting on the phone with her to talk pregnancy symptoms, I followed along with her Baby Center updates with great interest wanting to know if her little nugget was the size of a kumquat yet or if we were still in sesame seed territory. I stressed with her when certain tests came back a little iffy (everything turned out fine) and obviously threw her a baby shower. But she’s my sister-in-law, which means she’s married to my brother and I still wouldn’t have wanted to read about her pregnancy in a magazine or wanted to look at pictures of her while trying to buy gum and Pull Ups at CVS.
It’s just not that interesting!
And just so we’re clear, here are some things I’m not going to care about after the baby is born: How long it’s taking Kate to take off the pregnancy weight, how Kate is Back To Working Out!, How the Queen is loving being a grandma, whether or not the prince is helping out with diaper duty, how Kate is such a hands on mom, what baby gifts she’s getting and from whom, whether or not Kanye West or any other random celebrity came over to meet the baby, how Kate has taken to motherhood like a duck to water, Kate’s amazing Royal Breastfeeding the list goes on and on.
So please, let’s please get our priorities straight and go back to reporting on important issues —like who is going to be the next Bachelor! I vote for Arie!
Thank you for listening.
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