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I Don’t Want To Go To Paris

Hey, it's the Eiffel Tower. I need a nap.

Can we be honest? I don’t love traveling. There I said it. Before you write me off as an uncultured, provincial Los Angeleno, understand that I like the idea of foreign countries; I just get very nervous being out of my element. Because of this, traveling too far makes me feel uptight and unrelaxed which is hardly the goal of being on vacation. Am I right?

Years ago, many years ago, on my last official vacation, I went to France and Italy with my husband (before we were married) and I spent an inordinate amount of time in tears over strangers staring us down in Paris, mean hotel staff, getting dirty looks for tipping too much, and coming very close to getting stranded in a freezing train station trying to get from Paris to Florence. I would’ve paid big money to miss eating a ham sandwich at top of the Eiffel Tower to have just lain  around on a beach somewhere sunny.

For my next vacation I want to lie around – a lot.

I don’t want to figure out the exchange rate of the Euro to get my morning cup of coffee. For that matter, I want a cup of coffee not an espresso or café latte. In a lot of cities, no one is interested in giving you coffee especially in Italy where much like how undercover narcotics agents have to do a little blow to get in with the drug dealers, you have to drink espresso if you want to be trusted. It’s too much work!

Look close. Can you see me?

This is why I want to go on a cruise. I want a vacation where all the heavy lifting is done for me, where I can wake up and not worry about the itinerary. I want to see beautiful sights while laying out by a pool and being served chicken wings and Diet Coke (yes, of course I’d rather have a margarita but that’s not how I roll anymore). I want my kids to be so entertained in the Kid’s Club that they don’t want to join me in the casino no matter how much I beg. I want all my meals to be as easy as walking to whichever onboard restaurant I am in the mood for that moment. I don’t want to eat French food if I don’t feel like eating French food which I pretty much never feel like eating unless it’s a croissant. Can Paris offer me that? I don’t think so.

I want vending machines.

I want time to read. I want to get a pedicure with a little diamond on my big toe.

I don’t want to have to pack comfortable shoes because I’m going to be doing a ton of walking. I don’t particularly care for walking! I’m also not a huge fan of sightseeing unless I can do it from a chaise lounge.

But, after a few days of serious decompression I could be talked into going ashore and picking up some knick knacks in Mexico or somewhere else exotic. Maybe I’ll order a fish taco from a street vendor because I’m crazy like that! But then I want to get back on the ship. I’m not interested in having to figure out what hotel I’ll be staying in that night. I want to take a nap and then go dancing or to a show. Are you getting how badly I need to go on this cruise? I swear I’m going to make this happen very soon. Who’s with me? Let’s do this! Group trip! Where are we going?

A big thanks to Norwegian Cruise Line for sponsoring this campaign. Click here to see more of the discussion.

Want to hear more rants from me on Babble? Try Open Letter to Weight Watchers or 5 Things Not To Pack For Your Cruise

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