Dear Everyone on Facebook and Twitter:
I don’t care about what you eat. Not as in the fact that you discovered a great Indian place in your neighborhood or that you just ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra (cause that shit is good, yo!). No, I’m talking about your Food Plan. That new thing you are doing; the new way of eating which is totally changing your life!
I don’t care!
I don’t want to hear about The Amino Diet, Your Weight Watcher points or your #ItsProteinOnlyTuesday. I don’t want to hear about “day one of your detox” where you added a photograph of a bowlful of mung beans and linked to a Global Healing Center. I have zero interest in 10 Foods For Clean Living, any post that says, “who’s ready to drop 5 pounds” and I definitely don’t want to hear another word about your Paleo diet.
Seriously.I get that you are feeling so much better since you started doing (insert ridiculous program here). I know that you have “never had this much energy” and that your skin has never looked this clear. I’m not interested that if your salad has a minute amount of coconut oil as opposed to the triple virgin olive oil that it’s supposed to have this week or if you accidentally introduce an infinitesimal amount of barley when you’re doing only protein that “all will be LOST!”
Please let’s be real, these new diets, fitness plans and food programs have been around forever and there’s a reason they come in and out of favor, because there’s no one perfect way to eat that cures every ailment. But that’s not why I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to hear about it because it seems like people who have hopped on one of these new bandwagons only want to talk about food. And I don’t.
I spent most of my twenties obsessed with food. The eating of it, the not eating of it, the listing of what I did eat and the listing of what I shouldn’t eat. I got therapy for it.
So now I’m in my forties and it’s ceased to be interesting.
I am more than excited to hear about your friends, your pets, your children, your sky diving accident, a charity you just donated to, the coffee you need to drink, an annoying thing that just happened in traffic, some celebrity gossip, what you think of The Bachelor or something on TV (minus Downton Abbey spoilers). You can link pictures to any of these.
I just don’t want to know about your recipe for vegan, gluten-free Outrageously Cheesy Creamy Mushroom and Spinach Alfredo Lasagna.