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I’m on Birth Control for a Boat!

Does anyone remember the photos from their grade five maturation program where the sad looking girls were sitting on the sideline looking on at happy girls playing a very active game of basketball? The nurse leading the maturation class would then ask “Which of these girls is on their period? Give up? ALL OF THEM! You don’t have to miss out on a single thing in life because of your period!” Then a few years later I actually got my period and I wanted to kick Nurse Puberty in the knee because ZOMG I DON’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING ON MY PERIOD.

I have had my period for more than half of my life and I have never enjoyed it. Ever. (Aside from the excuses it gives me with my husband, he had three sisters, he knows not to mess with that.) I find comfort in the fact that most women at some point have to go through them and even better is knowing that very famous people have to deal with them regularly. When I look at the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated or a Victoria’s Secret catalog, I don’t feel bad about myself, I feel bad for those girls because you know at least one of them had to do all of that modeling in a tiny outfit on her period.

Which brings me to the cruise I’m going to be taking next month. First cruise ever, first real vacation ever, and first vacation without kids ever. It’s kind of a really big deal, so when I realized my ol’ reliable was moving up by two days each month I figured out that we’d be leaving on Sunday and I was due to begin on Tuesday.

Hey, so a week on a boat alone with your husband in the sunny Caribbean where you’ll be in a swimsuit 50% of the time? Not prime period time y’all.

When I told Cody he didn’t see what the big deal was. However when I told him I couldn’t possibly swim in the ocean because sharks would be drawn to me, inevitably eat me, then probably move on to him? He started to care.

We all have those crazy friends who are in love with their Diva Cups and won’t shoosh about the darn things. I finally gave in and tried one (along with the SoftCup) hoping that they were in fact the miracle so many claim them to be. Nope. They’re not. (Not for me at least.) I blame my tilted cervix, stupid thing is like a periscope facing the wrong direction up in there. I also can’t really wrap my brain around something just sitting up in there (I feel the same about IUDs.) Bodily quirks aside, it was time consider a new plan.

The new plan was birth control.

Every birth control I’ve ever been on has made me madder than a March hare, but when it came down to taking birth control for a few weeks in an effort to skip my period vs. the “woe is me I’m on my period, on a boat, on vacation, on the beach” thing, I decided to go with option one. Two weeks in and there’s been no sign of crazy, four weeks to our cruise and things seem to be going well (KNOCK ON WOOD.)

Boy am I grateful that the biggest worry I have during this season of my life is whether or not I’ll be on my period on a boat. Compared to the times I wasn’t sure if my marriage would survive, that we’d have enough food to eat or a place to live? This is a pretty stupid worry, but a worry none the less.

So tell me, can your cervix handle one of those Diva Cups? Do you hate your period too? It’s like late night girls camp discussion from the comfort of our laptops.

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