Imagined Conversations: Bernie and Bee

dog and babyBernie is a 7-year-old Jack Russell/Yorkshire Terrier mix. Bee is a 3-month-old purebred baby. One eats poo, the other poos while eating. Here, they converse:

Bernie: “So here’s what I don’t get, baby. You eat like 83 times a day and Mom only lets me eat twice.”
Bee: “Maybe I’m her favorite.”
Bernie: “You don’t know, little girl. When you were still in there – you know, the womb? Mom and I had a connection. We’d talk about life. Love. Food. Feeding me. Feeding me while talking about life. Feeding me while talking about love. You’ve ruined all of that, baby. I hate you and I’m going to pee under your crib twice today. And probably another time after that.”
Bee: “So you want to do tummy time now?”
Bernie: “OK.”


Bernie: “Hey, baby!”
Bee: “Hi, dog.”
Bernie: “Baby, I’m not a dog. I’m your superior. You may call me Brother Superior.”
Bee: “OK, can you hand me that toy? It’s super close to my face and I want it big time.”
Bernie: “I’ll flip you for it. Heads, I get the toy. Tails, you give me the toy.”


Bernie: “I’m going to lick your face one hundred times, baby.”
Bee: “OK.”
Bernie: “And then I’m going to do it four hundred more times after that.”
Bee: “Super!”
Bernie: “You’re supposed to not like this. I’m licking and licking. You’re supposed to cry now.”
Bee: “But I like you, Bernie! You’re a good dog.”
Bernie: “I quit.”


Bee: “Good night, Bernie.”
Bernie: “Good night, Bee.”
Bee: “I love you, Bernie.”
Bernie: “You too, Bee.”


baby and dog


More on First Time Around:

8 Essentials for Your Newborn Baby
The New Mother’s Tool Kit
What A Home Birth Looks Like
On Fearing Your Baby

Read more from Erin Loechner at, your one-stop resource for pint-sized inspiration and a daily dose of mom-friendly design.
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Article Posted 3 years Ago
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