There are two things – well, more than two things but for the purposes of this post we’re sticking with two – that I have never done:
1. Had any sort of surgery.
2. Had a baby.
So, here is what happens whenever a friend of mine tells me that she is scheduled for a c-section:
Step 1: Elation! Whee! You’re having a baby! Babies are great! I love newborns and I’ll fly across the country to babysit your new little cherub.
Step 2: The date is getting closer. I’m still excited but with a pinch of anxiety.
Step 3: The night before my friend is to have major abdominal surgery and a baby; text said friend something along the lines of, “HOLY SH*T YOU’RE HAVING MAJOR SURGERY AND AFTER THAT SURGERY YOU WILL HAVE A BABY!!!11!!!!1″
Step 4: Friend responds something along the lines of “DUH!” and “How do you think I’m feeling right now?!”
Step 4a: Sheepishly apologize but seriously SURGERY AND A BABY!
Step 5: C-Section Day. Wait anxiously. Friend has baby. Friend feels better because she’s now longer 180 months pregnant.
I know that c-sections are routine procedures. I also know that the decision to have a c-section is between a woman, her partner and the physician so why folks get so up in arms about how another person plans to give birth remains a head-scratcher. All of that is besides the point because caesareans are as common as appendectomies except that at the end of an appendectomy there isn’t ANOTHER HUMAN BEING brought into this world. I’d also hazard a guess that appendectomies are far cheaper as there is no caring for another person for the next 18 to 21 years but I do hear that you can sometimes take your appendix home in a jar.
Then there’s step 6: A healthy baby and healthy mama. The love. The feeling of elation that radiates from me to them. A new family. Squishy, puffy newborns.
And the inevitable step 7: Dude, you just had surgery AND a baby. What have I done over the past 24 hours? The dishes and colored my hair.
Well done, you.