I’m sure you’ve all heard of the new Abercrombie push-up bathing suit for the third grade set. Parents are in an uproar about it, but not me. Nope, I say it’s about time someone started manufacturing push-up bikini tops for eight-year-olds. For years, I’ve noticed the glaring lack of padded push-up bikini tops for children. Do we really want our little girls looking forward to meeting their friends at the pool when they should be worrying about filling out a bikini with their prepubescent chests? It’s a crying shame when our young daughters are more concerned with jumping off the high dive than with looking sexy.
After seeing the ads for these swimsuits, I ran out and bought one in every color for my nine-year-old daughter. I had her try them on to make sure they made her look hot enough, but they didn’t. Something was missing. The thing about a push-up swimsuit is that you need something to push up. So I made an appointment with a plastic surgeon. I mean, what better candidate for implants than someone who’s completely flat, right? While I was there, I figured I might as well have him give her some lip augmentation as well. I certainly don’t want my daughter walking around feeling comfortable and confident in her body when there are so many things she can do to improve it.
I mean, for years I’ve been teaching my girls how to walk in uncomfortable, ill-fitting heels for the sake of vanity.
And I’ve made sure they know how important it is to never leave the house without makeup.
It’s only natural that I start getting my girls push-up bras and plastic surgery, don’t you think? If I don’t, how else will they snag a boyfriend by the age of ten?
(No boobs or fragile self esteems were harmed in the making of this blog post.)